I usually rarely do ketamine and when I usually take lines that are probably about 50 to 90mg at festivals.
But yesterday I decided to take 100mg, because I heard that a really good dose. I was alone in my room also.
It is also very pure ketamine, because I cooked it straight from the medical vial. I tried to slowly sprinkle 100mg on my scale but I put on 118mg and thought it would be okay, because I usually handle the drug well. So I snort it and decide to play a good scene for a movie I like with nice electron music playing.
It begins with the effects and numbness setting in and the music getting more distant but sounding really interesting. I moved my furniture and really organised my room a few hours before and I was admiring my new room setup. I tried dancing but I felt like and alien and I felt like Rudy from Toy Story, because of my legs being so long and wonky. I got interesting thoughts.
I got a text from my girlfriend who is visiting her friends family at the moment and she said: " Why couldn't you fold yourself? I couldn't have taken you with me + sad emoji". It took me like 3 minutes to read and comprehend and reread that text. I then thought about how intense it is that ym girlfriend is actually trying to get a job her in germany so we can live together and she can get a visa but would also mean she would be away from her family in Korea for a long time just because she loves me. Then I looked at my room in my shared flat and Im proud that I can live on my own and have a apprenticeship that I love. The fact that all this stuff is going on in my life really made me astonished, because I used to have depressive tendencies where I wouldn't want to do certain things and I used to feel like a failure but still my life worked out and Im doing pretty good right now.
This led me to a big realisation that I was never good at deciding and and I kept saying "definitely, definitely,.." I thought about how styling my room I put in effort to assemble my furniture and colours in anaesthetic way and I realised I spent a lot of time before observing other peoples content and creative work online. I listen to a lot of music but when I was into producing I was never expressing myself definitely and bold. Because I was really high on ketamine I had to throw up but it was a really clean short water thowup where it didn't stink and felt way better afterwards. Also I felt like I was going crazy at certain point but glad to come down and thinking: damn that was really intense.
It was a really intense trip and I think the "definitely"-insight is really sticking with me and Im now thinking about ways to be more defintely and be my individual self more.