DOSE:
1560 mg
oral
DXM
6 hits
oral
LSD
BODY WEIGHT:
87 kg
I hadn't done DXM for a few weeks. Then two days before this trip I dosed 600 mg over a bit over 2 hours followed later when I was coming down with 390 mg and then a few hours later 390 again. The initial trip wasn't that strong but this led to a strong sigma later and that's amazing. The nice thing about sigma too is that I clearly remember what happened, unlike with normal DXM trips.
Two day later the afterglow had ended and I was feeling annoyed over how I couldn't get my Audiostrobe circuit to work as well as I wanted and I just impulsively decided to do DXM. I did 390 mg followed by another 390 maybe half an hour to an hour later. This was just a normal DXM trip, though probably a bit less intense and more sigma-like than usual because of my recent trip. I came down quicker than usual too.
As I was coming down I decided to take 390, then another 390 mg and then 6 hits of acid. I was just being impulsive and letting myself go where my impulses took me. (This isn't the way I usually am but around that time I had decided to follow my impulses) I started out the trip in the bathtub in total darkness. I wanted to just face myself, not do anything or talk to anyone.
As I was coming up the only sound was the sound of water turbulence as the bathtub water was being slowly renewed to maintain temperature from the showerhead which was submerged. I love water while tripping... there's just something special about it... maybe because that's where life started and somewhere deep down there's some special affinity towards it. (Just a theory).
As I came up the first sign of that was that the high frequency water turbulence sound changed and later it became almost melodic (even though it was a constant sound). I started seeing some visuals in the darkness and body image became very distorted. At one point I mostly shut off the water and unplugged the bathtub so it could drain. I knew that later on I might be too fucked up to do that or even to avoid drowning.
Now at some point something happened. I left the universe and I became aware of the 'multiverse' outside that this universe is a part of. That's basically the same thing I noticed and posted about before. I wasn't alone in this space... I saw a networked grid of other presences. I thought that these were probably other users of psychedelics who were at the moment also in this space but in retrospect they were probably just sort-of mirror images of me. I sort of communicated with them about various things including where they were in this world at the time and how they had gotten to this space. I tried to find someone I knew but I'm not sure if I did.
I became Morpheus... I was the one who had totally figured it out and I was going to lead humanity to a higher awareness and a higher state of being. In this world I was a shaman but beyond that something far more powerful. I also was God... it's not like me became God... it's just like my point of view melted into the point of view of God. There was no me anyways. I felt like I was in control of some fundamental things about consciousness and like I was freely going between various planes of existence.
Now at some point this went bad. I think this happened as I was coming down. I started thinking that maybe I had gone insane and I was in a mental institution. I thought I was totally incapable of contacting the external world... like inside I was conscious and sane but outside I could have been a vegetable or a total lunatic and there was no connection between me inside and what my body was doing outside. I had some vague mental hospital visions.
Then I thought that I had died and I was trapped in a 'box' with no way out. I thought that this is what happens when I die; I lose sensory input and ability to do anything so for an eternity I�m confined, I do nothing, I just see darkness, and I feel horrible suffering. (Later on I thought maybe that's what hell is.)
Sometimes I also thought that maybe I had played too much with consciousness and going into different planes of existence and I had just ended up in some trap, and now I was trapped for all eternity. Before during this trip I had loved psychedelics... they were the key to the universe. Now I hated them... I 'realized' why there was all this anti-drug stuff, psychedelics make me feel like they're showing me the universe but really they're just evil and they're luring me into this trap, and once I fall in it's too late because nobody has gotten out. (In retrospect I don't know if the box was my bathroom in total darkness or total sensory deprivation.)
Then I thought that someone had found me unconscious and called an ambulance and now I was in a hospital and they were taking heroic measures to save me. I saw some pink light and I thought that they were operating on my brain and I was seeing through a hole in my head. At one point I thought 'oh no, not my brain' but then later on I thought 'please, do anything, just save me, I've learned my lesson, I won't take drugs ever again, I just don't want to be stuck in this compartment of void for all eternity.' Sometimes I thought that they were succeeding and other times I thought I was a hopeless case. Most of the time I thought I was a pretty hopeless case. When I thought they were succeeding I wondered what it was like to wake up in the hospital with all sorts of tubes and wires stuck to/on me and how much pain there was going to be.
Eventually I felt my body and I realized that maybe I wasn't dead after all, but it took me a while before I took this seriously. During the same time I was slowly becoming more aware of games. I got up and I tried to find the way out of the bathroom. Normally that would be easy but now I could only use trial and error. At one point I thought that I was dead after all, that the cops had come and shot me and that I was dead not because of the psychedelics but because of the war on drugs. I quickly came out of that and I found the way out of the bathroom.
This was an immense relief. Much to my surprise I found that I didn't seem that high (but considering what followed I was still pretty high). I quickly 'realized' that all that fear about being dead was stupid because if I die I'll just go through that multi-dimensional space that the universe is in for a while and then I'll be reborn soon enough. I felt I had it figured out... this (that I couldn't die) was the secret of the universe... the thing that everyone wanted to know.
Then I thought about life, and I had it all figured out. Life was a game... someone would make up a game and everyone else would then play that game. That was the best we could do... there was nothing else to do... if it wasn't for that I'd be in the void doing nothing and I'd be stuck for all eternity. Whoever made up the current game was God at the moment.
Then I thought that drugs and police was the game. It was set up so that there were some things, designated as drugs, which could get you high, but there were these other people in the game, the police who were going after the people who had drugs. So the game everyone was playing was how high could I get without being busted. The police somehow 'knew' through some form of ESP who was getting high and if they felt that someone was getting too high they'd bust them. I felt that I had just gotten too high and I was in real danger of that because of the ESP and because maybe I had made too much noise before. Though I also thought of the amount of illegal drugs I had and I thought 'come on, nobody is going to want to bust me because of that', and I thought that was probably the only reason it hadn't happened.
Then I thought about drugs themselves and I 'realized' that drugs were evil because they lead people to just do drugs and get high but people should be contributing to society, inventing and making new things. At first I thought my Audiostrobe circuit was an example of that but then I 'realized' that it was evil because it was about getting high.
I 'decided' that I wasn't going to do any more drugs that I was going to go away to the country I come from (just to get away from here), get a job there and move on with my life. I wanted to call my parents and tell them about it but it was the middle of the night. I felt as if my father was actually awake, totally aware of what I was up to and awaiting my call, but I somehow managed to reject that as crazy and decide that calling my parents in that state and at that time was a bad idea. I also 'decided' that I wasn't going to interact with drug users because I just needed to get away from drugs. (This decision didn't last.)
At some point during this I again broke off from this universe and I ended up in that other multiverse outside it. The main thing I remember was Osama Bin Laden surfacing in this universe and starting to warp it. This became more and more distressing until I said something like 'fuck Osama Bin Laden, you suck' and that just vanished. I 'realized' how he was evil and why I had to hate him.
At some point I started 'feeling' that the cops were coming. I actually 'felt' where the car was, how it was getting closer, how they were getting out of it, etc. I started flushing all of my drugs down the toilet. It wasn't just because of fear of being busted; I also felt that drugs sucked and I wasn't going to do them again. I felt that this trip was awesome... it had done some great things to me... but this was it... I had gotten the message... it was time to hang up. (In retrospect I feel bad about flushing the acid just in the sense that I pointlessly destroyed perfectly good stuff. I also did not 'hang up', though I still feel perhaps that was the right thing to do.)
I eventually felt mainly sober but I felt different. I had a weird feeling of clarity though and I wasn't feeling any of that background anxiety that I was used to. It seemed like I had accepted everything. No, I didn't like it... there were some really bad things to accept... but I had accepted everything. I wanted to go to sleep but I couldn't. I still occasionally saw visuals.
In the morning I cried about my life... I cried about all the problems I still had to deal with. About all the unfairness and hurt I had experienced before... about how my parents never seemed to care about me being happy and how they hadn't done anything to help me there... about how now I had to play all the games that everyone else played but I was behind because I had a late start in life. The crying wasn't that bad though... it wasn't good but it was no worse than how I normally feel... actually it felt better than holding it all in.
I was wondering if I should kill myself, not immediately then and there but soon. I thought that I had so much work to do, so many changes to make, and that's all just to have a normal life. The sort of thing that people take for granted. Maybe it was best to not go through that trouble and just kill myself. I wasn't thinking of doing it then... actually, in a way I knew I couldn't get myself to do it then or ever, and I was crying about that... that I was totally incapable of doing the one simple thing that would solve it all.
Soon after that I went to sleep. I woke up mostly feeling sober but with some intensified visual noise. I felt okay... not good but it seemed that something bad broke... I felt a sort of calm honest acceptance of facts about my life and I knew what I had to do to now in life. (I had no thoughts of suicide anymore.) I felt that this trip was important... that it was the beginning of the end of this phase of my life.
The calmness lingered for a while. I also got an impression that I should believe in some sort of afterlife. Eventually the trip was forgotten and I didn't really get any lasting help from it.
Exp Year: 2002ExpID: 31509 Gender: Male Age at time of experience: Not Given Published: Jun 25, 2007Views: Not Supported [ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
LSD (2), DXM (22) : Combinations (3), Difficult Experiences (5), Alone (16) -->