LONG. TLDR at bottom
Oh boy... I had a night. I'm writing this for theaupudic reasons firstly, but also as an plea of caution to myself and all you other psychonauts
So backgrounds... Im a mentally stable and happy 21 year old college student. I trip to a degree that relatively may be called frequently, and I typically trip on heroic doses (5-10 tabs at both extremes) and can typically handle myself.
Tonight, I couldnt.
It started with me watching a free documentary, started watching when I dropped 8 tabs, 120-150 mics each. Documentary was called "Inner worlds, outer worlds" by Daniel Schmidt
Tripped me out cuz thats my name.
I enjoyed a lot of what he said. Twords the end, I felt he was getting a bit too personal in his viewpoints, and his viewpoints had an aggressive judgmental vibe that I wasnt totally about, as I continued watching his work.
The trip progressed and I naturally fell into a state where my internal and external worlds no longer held barrier, and I was experiencing my internal growth externally.
This started as me hearing my mom cry about me not calling her in the background of Dan Schmidts next film.
It got to a point where I needed a breather, it was getting intense, so I turned on some music.... Only to have the exact same sounds/feeling continue.
It confronted myself further and further. I built internal structures to reality based off what I knew and what I was experiencing. They were wrong.
The energies, feelings, and visual/audio hallucinations eventually were "taken over" by a force that felt outside me... outside my control
And it was seeking energetic vengeance... Basically I had it in my head that we are of a continuous and shared energetic field of one experiencing itself in many ways... And we all share this energy. Some of us take it and give back hate... some take it and hoard it.... etc.
Basically I thought that something happened to my soul family, and that on top of my life (which Im typically ecstatic about) brought the universal subconscious to the idea that "well, we dont have enough energy to sustain something, and you the next one out. Sorry! Guess you missed your shot, now fade into in-existence."
At which point I was trapped in my apartment, alone, while every piece of external stimuli were just reminding me of what my situation was. So I turned off external stimuli and tried to resolve it internally.
And then I realized that this was no longer purely internal.
My thoughts has become their own entity, and I was tripping hard enough and this was emotionally/mentally taxing enough that I wasn't able to recognize it. They demanded that I pay back for the energy Ive accidentally stolen from others who needed it. Others who died before me, only to have me suffer the same fate. Ill equip to actually handle the weight of what I actually am, and what we actually are.
I was afraid. Afraid of not only the idea of being something that much greater than myself... but afraid of my uncertainty of where I fit into it.
The thoughts challenged me to go outside. At this point, I literally was seeing my body disintegrate. I was fading into nothing.
I had told myself to never leave my apartment while tripping on heroic doeses alone. That was a hard and fast rule.
I hadn't accounted for my mind using my mind against me.
I continuously refused the emotional/visual/mental constructs attempt to get me outside, and the construct continued to zone in on me.
Prodding me to go outside. As music kept playing to me "I will wait... I will wait..."
I had made mistakes while outside on psychosis ensuing doses. I had told myself I will never go outside.
My mind started to use this, and everything that I am, against me.
First, I heard external recognition that I wasnt going to leave. Then, they started coming in for me. The negative energies were closing in, and I already was fading away. My soul family had left me to this destructive frequency, as was only the natural order. There was no longer space for me in reality. It wasnt really my fault, it wasnt anyones fault.... It just happened, and it sucked.
The music guested for me to smoke a last cigarette... I felt that would be a shitty way to go. To have "a last cigarette" be the thing that brings the experience to the maximum seems like a lie, and I would rather go feeling the bliss of what I truly am in its purity.
Thats when it all came together. My internal energy was what was asking me outside, and it was a last redemption in my own eyes.
THE RECOGNITION THAT IT WAS MYSELF DOING THIS DIDN'T SOLVE IT. IT IN FACT STARTED MY DEMISE
Then my thoughts began to prepare myself. There was a knife on the kitchen table, and the construct had driven me from my room. I was in a state of near panic. Reality was ending, everyone else has a chance to go twords the infinite but me. I was to go into nothingness, and there was nothing I could do or be that would stop it.
The construct (that was now internal AND external) proffered me that knife. I said "Im not going outside, but this force is coming in. It does not listen. It is not friendly. It WILL kill me. I will defend myself.
I picked up the knife and felt uneasy. I had visual hallucinations that directed me to stand in places and face holographic projections in simulated environments where I had to defend myself (with the knife) from there constructs manifest.
The entire time, though, it was being pushing on me that I couldnt survive trapped in my room. They were coming, and I felt a need to flee. Somehow, I could get away from this force on foot.
My apartment was no longer safe. The life i knew was no longer safe. It had permeated everything I knew and was.
And my mind kept prompting me that I needed to have the knife to stay safe
I kept going back and fourth "I CANT go outside!" to "I CANT have a KNIFE and go outside!!!" until somehow, my family and their energies got tied up into it.
This being no longer wanted vengeance on just me, it was somehow now tied into the accident that prompted the collective subconscious to end my existence, but it wanted to take the energy I stole from my family.
This killed me. I couldnt go outside, I COULDNT TRUST MYSELF OUTSIDE
But I thought my family was on the line....
I thought I was going to enter nothingness, lose all concept of existence, and fade away.
I didnt need to take my family with me.
I could settle the score myself.
I went outside with the knife....
And all hell broke loose.
Now with somewhere to run, my thoughts became big enough to chase me.
And I ran... Knowing that I had a kitchen knife in hidden under my sweater. Knowing that I was running through the streets with a kitchen knife... Running for my god damn life and for the lifes of my family
Then I was under attack. The most horrifying kind of attack.
Accusations beyond understanding. Accusations from a totally emotional level that I still dont know how to fully comprehend.
And even time I would respond, it gave my adversary TONS of data on what the state of my soul family was, and etc.
I was dealing with beings who permeated through all of reality, all of myself, and who were more intelligent and aware then me, using every small nuance and survival instinct I had against me.
All of a sudden, I was a kid on the streets with a knife fighting his own judgement of himself.
Keep in mind - I fucking love myself. Im not depressed, Ive never been suicidal, and I look forward to the chance to make mistakes and grow.
But I was at the end of my line. Reality was ending. The winds were ripping reality apart. People were watching me and tucking their heads away and I screamed into the sky with a knife. They didnt run. They didnt bat an eye. They looked up and away, further proving to myself that reality had ended me.
Then it dawned on me.
It all came together.
the documentary I watched mentioned that the energetic root is in the stomach, the naval. Ancient japanese would commit seppuku to give up their life force, their energy... and to maintain their honor.
I willingly gave my energy to save my family. To save my friends. To save a network I dont understand.
If I was going to die, I was going to do it RIGHT
I was going to cut my stomach open and let my intestines fall to the ground, dying in a bloody heap, giving my energy back to the source.
Thankfully - the knife wasnt sharp enough.
I ended up going between running away from myself, to trying to kill myself, to running away from my death, to having a semicircle of cops pointing their guns at my head.
I was a kid, running around in the city, tripping face, having a kind of egodeath, with a knife.
And I was in tears the entire time.
I didnt want to die. I didnt want this to happen. REALITY didnt want this to happen.
But it was what had to be done.
Crying and confused. I let the cops take me. I had already done the damage, and if I stop reacting - I wont further incriminate my soul family.
So I let them take me, and I stopped saying or doing anything.
Until they got on top of me and pounded my existence and my perception into a blank. I was being snuffed out, and I had to do it like a dick... with a bunch of cops holding me down.
I started to see a connection.
When I first broke reality I ended up in handcuffs for eternity. The cuffs were my wrist bones fused together. I was back there again. Where it all had begun, it all was coming to end.
This was fate. This was destiny. I was the odd one out, and there was no longer room for me.
I gave myself to my last moment, and prepared to die.
All of a sudden, my perception regained, and I was being carted to an ambulance in cuffs
They kept asking me questions, and when I answered, even to say "what" it AGAIN would further incriminate my soul family
How much would I be willing to sacrifice myself for others? How much did they mean?
And this was also part in the judgement was was coming from this unknown and all powerful enemy.
Even when I reacted slightly, they had the awareness to take that slight reaction to its fullest understanding.
And that incriminated me and my family in ways I did not understand.
They got me to the ambulance and tried to put me in
I then realized "Im letting the enemy put me into a box. I will die here. I cannot defend myself here. RUN."
I tried to get away, and ended up under a pile of cops in an ambulance.
Reliving an experience I indirectly lived through a movie. I watched Loving Vincent tripping sack (a documentary on Vincent Van Goughs life, painted frame by frame [im an animator and thats insane]) the narrator I felt was coming to face the insanity Vincent had, and was manifesting it himself. Stuff happened that I misinterpreted, and he ended up in a bar fight. While tripping, I saw that as many men "bumping into" him from all directions at once, impossibly, to snuff him into a point where he was alone with himself in a void.
Thats what happened to me when that pile of cops made itself onto me.
And then I was in an ambulance, strapped down, hanging out with two dude who were slinging the shit.
And I thought "what a great show this would make. Two inter dimensional ambulance drivers who get into shit and end up taking back random fucked up aliens who they strap the the inside of the truck while they all shoot shit together
And then it started to hit me. I wasnt going to die.
I was just getting slapped FIRM upside the head.
Im home and Im safe now, safe for some cuts on my stomach.
I offer this story with care and love.
I am a stable person. I love myself and love my life. I am generally safe on heroic doses. I in fact enjoy experiences where my internal and external selfs feel OK to FULLY intermingle. I am not new to those experiences.
But my inner uncertainty of self worth, and my blind faith to HURT myself for those I love (totally backwards thinking) took manifest.
We are NOT always ready for what lies within. Take care, and know that it is a slow process. Do not push it like I have.
For even a stable person can end up convinced that they have to spill out their organs on a rainy, windy street.
TLDR: I tripped too hard and had a psychotic break where I thought I had to kill myself to save my soul family receiving further pain. I ended up in the hospital after having guns faced on my head.
I am a stable person. I am consistently happy and at least at terms with my reality. I had no major issues, save to metaphysical quandaries. I can typically handle myself on heroic doses. One small issue in my mind was able to take over and I allowed myself to go to the point of self harm.
These substances are never safe - they always have a risk of playing out poorly. Even to those who have been safe on heroic doses dozens of times.
Make sure we remember that before it happens again. Even when your reality disregards every notion that youve held in sobriety on what you must do to be safe.
Because if not, you might end up as a kid on the street, trying to cut through his stomach in ritual sacrifice to honor his energy and make sure it doesnt hold down those you love most.
With pepper spray on his dick. Did I not mention that? I got pepper sprayed a LOT and during the hours I was in the hospital I had to give a piss test and somehow got it on my cock. Imma go shower.
edit: the entire time they were pepper spraying me, I kept hearing my roomate across time and infinite bisecting parallel realities "pfft (noise of lemon spritzer) Oh, DAN!" ironically referring to those few times I worried about leaving it open, yet me never leaving it open, to the fact that my roommate, throughout dimension, has had to deal with me leaving it open.
It was at this point I knew, I'd fucked up.