I've heard that DMT often confirms the crap out of a user's previous beliefs. Before my first experience a few days ago, I already had some pretty weird beliefs about the nature of the universe and consciousness, so it shouldn't have surprised me so much that what I experienced on DMT was really scary.
I've had previous trips on LSD and DXM that gave me a kind of sinking feeling that my reality was like a kind of simulation. I've heard of those theories before, but it hadn't really clicked until those trips. I know there isn't really a way to prove this belief, just like there isn't a way to prove many religious beliefs, but to me it's always been a strange possibility in the back of my mind. This is what made the experience so terrifying to me, because that was the mindset I had when I went into it.
What I went through was very shocking to me, even though it didn't really tell me anything I didn't already believe, but it seemed to confirm my previous suspicions about everything, which was a very uncomfortable experience.
After the first few seconds of me holding it in, my friend, who was sitting next to me, tried to speak. I held up my finger to silence him, as I was already starting to feel the effects. Everything got more and more surreal, and when I finally exhaled, there was a kind of blue circuitry running across my friend's face, and by implied extension, across all of humanity.
In that moment, it was as if the operator of the universal machine was maliciously complying with my request for the truth, and I realized how scary the truth can be. Everything was twisted and horrible from my perspective, but I realized how beautiful and perfect it would be if I wasn't the one experiencing it, kind of like a tragic ending to a book. It made me look at things through a different perspective, and there was a little voice in my head that was saying, "You wanted answers. You got them."
I felt helpless, confused, and alone. I wished I had never sought out these answers. I should have remained ignorant. I looked around my room, at the pipe in my hands, the paintings on the wall, my finger still raised up in the air, the wires coming out of my computer, and everything made sense. "You wanted answers...."
Sirens were sounding in the distance. I thought about the kind of person I was and why I turned out this way. I didn't feel bad about who I was, rather, I realized that everyone has reasons for why they are the way that they are. Life gives different people different answers. Sometimes you learn, sometimes you teach, sometimes you're just sitting there with a pipe in your hand wondering what the fuck is going on when God himself hits you with the realization that you are just a machine simulating human consciousness for reasons that you would never be able to understand as a human.
I know DMT is a drug, and what I went through could be explained by my mindset and the interaction of the drug with my brain alone, but it felt so real at the time that I didn't even consider it. It was like the universe was allowing me to see something that was intentionally hidden from me for my entire life. The strange thing is, I think eventually I do want to go deeper. As terrifying as it was when I realized that I probably shouldn't have done this, I find myself wondering how real the experience actually was.
It could very well be that I manufactured the experience unintentionally with my mindset and beliefs. It could also be, admittedly much less likely, that I experienced something more real than reality itself, and that in time things will become clearer. I doubt this very much, because life is a clusterfuck of unanswerable questions for which everyone desperately tries to craft makeshift beliefs just to get through it. However, I really do want answers. Would subsequent trips mirror this experience, or would it become clear that DMT is nothing more than a powerful psychedelic drug that teamed up with my confused brain to blow my fucking mind?
Either scenario is simply amazing. I cannot possibly convey how powerful, scary, shocking, and REAL it was for me unless you had lived the experience yourself... but perhaps some sort of simulation could?