I have been searching for around six years for DMT. Around Christmas, I finally found a gram and sat on it until last night...
After persistent preparation, (cleaning the rig, cleaning my apartment, fasting, relaxing, getting responsibilities out of the way etc.) I meditated for about 10 minutes and then chickened out as soon as the pipe would hit my lips... I did this three times. Finally, I dumped the 35-40mg (I only have a 0.00 scale and it is not the most accurate, so I am unsure of the exact dosing) into my domeless quartz bucket style banger, handed the bong to my lovely wife, and did everything I possibly could to embrace the "hum" and see what I needed to be shown. Easier said than done.
I did not mix any BHO or any other substances with the spice nor was I under the influence of anything else. I wanted to experience this substance in a clean and sober headspace, as to not interfere or cloud the experience.
This journey was in no way my first experience with psychedelics. I have had dozens of trips down the rabbit hole with LSD, Psilocybin, MDMA, and MDA. Ive been researching DMT with a wild curiosity and passion since I heard about it around 2012. Countless hours of podcasts, literature, lectures, discussions with people who have done DMT... Let me just tell you, none of it could have possibly prepared me for what I experienced next. Nothing can.
As soon as the pipe left my lips, I focused as hard as I possibly could on simply holding my breath. I managed to focus to around the six second mark and my body fell, lifelessly, to the bed and my head hit the pillow. Time ceased to exist and trying to measure it in seconds became impossible. Moments before I began to fall back, I was completely overwhelmed by the hum of the carrier wave. My body shook to its core. The sound was so powerful that I thought that the world around me was going to crumble from the vibrations. I held the smoke in for as long as my lungs would allow me and then exhaled. I'm assuming a solid 20-25 seconds, but I can't confirm. I was tripping far too hard at that point to remember.
I briefly opened my eyes, thinking to myself, "you dumb shit, keep them closed. You don't need to see your reality, let them show you theirs." I closed my eyes and was met by the most intense stream of colors and patterns. "Accept it. Accept it." is what I kept repeating to myself. All of a sudden, my body felt as if it were made up of small pieces of matter, perhaps sand, all held together very delicately, just crumbled into itself. Not an explosion or implosion, just a collapse. Then, I was, metaphorically of course, ripped from my body and showered in light and patterns. Then, moments later, I felt like I was thrown back into my body. Then sucked back out. Then thrown back. This happened for what felt like an eternity. Each time I would leave "base reality" and be blasted back, it was like my reality spiraled out into fractals and dissolved into "that" place. Then, I was sucked out again, blasted into space, and finally I felt like I had "stuck" there.
It. Was. Terrifying...
Until I finally landed.
My wife was sitting next to me and I was somewhat lying in her lap. Once I "stuck" to the other realm, I could not "see" my wife in a physical sense. Instead, I felt/saw her presence. She resembled a splash of paint or liquid, frozen in time. However, she was not solid or liquid at all, but rather made up of pure light and energy that was composed of yellow/green/orange colored fractals. The three colors were somehow one color to my perception. I am still having trouble trying to recall it exactly. I was still a bit shaken by being sucked out/thrown back into my body, so I was focusing on deep breathing and smiling. It helped a lot.
In my own naivety, I opened my eyes two more times. This grounded me to such a degree that I was unable to breakthrough. Feelsbadman. In hindsight, I should have turned all the lights off. Instead, I had two candles burning and a lamp on in the room. I just was not prepared for that hum. It initially threw me off and it was hard to embrace/shake it. After my first attempt, I have a greater sense of what to expect and should not get as spooked and overwhelmed as I did last night... Baby steps. I've gotta learn to ride that wave with more comfort instead of hesitance.
The last time that I opened my eyes, I felt as though I was "back." I still felt like I was in the peak of a heroic LSD or Psilocybin trip, but it was in no way what I was experiencing with CEVs or even OEVs before that. Instead of fractal patterns, I saw more trailing in the movement of my hands and that weird, hazy, meshy, photo filter-like effect of LSD and Psilocybin. I also shook a lot during the comedown. During the experience, not at all, according to my wife, but the final five minutes I was shaking uncontrollably in my legs. I have experienced this once before during my first ego death while on 4.5g Psilocybin. Perhaps that was just my body's response to resisting the ego death (which I also did on Psilocybin and induced a panic attack, strikingly similar, but not nearly as heavy this time). I thought I had surpassed the ego death stage once I felt like my body collapsed into itself and I was thrown into space, but perhaps not... Maybe that hellish repetition of there-and-back-again was the molecule telling me I was resisting too much and to let go even more. Like it was giving me a few more chances but I just wasn't attentive enough to understand the lesson, in that moment.
I am still putting the pieces to this trip together, so I apologize if I am coming across as unclear. I do have a raging migraine today... Is that normal or just coincidence?
I have a lot of integration to do just from a sub-breakthrough, but my goodness, I really want to go back and experience a true breakthrough. Is it bad to use the molecule like that? I do not want to abuse it, however, I do want to use fully experience it in all of its beauty and splendor.
Also, AMA.