After having a conversation with two friends about tripping and my first experience with LSD. I decided to write it down so they could read it. Thought some people on here might enjoy reading it too, so that's why I'm posting. I apologize for any grammar mistakes (not my first language).
I was reading something which reminded me of the conversation I had with you and X, in which we discussed tripping and having the feeling of dying and being reborn again. I feel like now I can explain the experience I had in a little more detail than I could when we were having the conversation.
I would describe the feelings I had on this trip as 'dying' and being 'reborn'. The way in which I experienced these feelings was in a way of letting go of 'yourself' (ego). To embrace the experience and experience the moment fully. To be in tune with life?
After taking the two tabs I decided to put on some music and lie down in bed, eyes closed. I could see the most amazing patterns. First I was using my awareness to influence/manipulate the patterns I saw. After a while I started to simply observe them, I let them do their dance, let them lead their own existence. I started to let go. From the moment I started to observe, the experience got so much more intense and beautiful. Little by little I was losing myself, by just observing, just 'being'. So much so that it can bring about a feeling of fear. The ego starts noticing it's dissolving and tries to fight it, it tries to make you hold on to it. But once dissolved, that which remains is pure conscious awareness. Like being in a meditative state of mind.
At this point I was still aware of 'myself'. Suddenly I got a feeling of a 'knowing' that I had to let go of myself completely; to accept 'being' in its entirety. I knew I had to be willing to die in order to experience the experience in its full glory. I let this realisation dawn on me... I remember thinking about my mom and saying to her: ''It's okay if I die, don't be sad''. Not in a depressive manner but in an accepting way - might seem a little melodramatic but I was literally coming to terms with my own death.
Music was still playing, I closed my eyes and started to let go again. Let go of the things you think you know and believe, including your sense of self. The moment I surrendered completely (died) I came in some kind of... realm? I say 'came' but it wasn't really like that. It was more like I WAS that realm, and I always had been. It felt like coming home. A place I had been at before and will return to again. I wrote the following on the comedown of the trip:
I became one. The only way to describe it is I was aware of a realm of oneness. Everything felt so real. Insane. I had no realisation of time; or myself for that matter. I was eternity.
Nothing existed seperately from anything else, it was all One. Non-duality. It's impossible to explain this experience with words... I'll give it a shot though:
This realm contained two giant 'blobs', one was darkish-green and the other was orange/brownish, but were transparant at the same time. They were flowing in and out of each other. As if they were two forces performing an everlasting dance. They were in perfect harmony with each other. . . I snapped back into 'reality' (being reborn). I wasn't sure where I was at and what I had just experienced. A feeling of panic started manifesting itself, but at that same instant I looked at a tapestry of a lion. We locked eyes and it was as if he telepathically said to me: "All is good, let go". I did and I was transported back to this same place again. This snapping or switching between realities happened several times and it honestly felt like I was dying and being reborn again, I wouldn't know how else to describe it.
You know, the bizarre thing is, is that experiencing, or 'being', this realm felt more real than anything else I have experienced in my life.