It was more than I ever could have anticipated... (I hope you don't mind me posting here as it isn't purely just a smoked DMT experience, but I wanted to get more thoughts on it than I got posting on /r/drugs, and I feel this being not a traditional Ayahuasca it shouldn't be among the like of the B.caapi teacher) (And do forgive my x-post etiquette, as the title was incorrectly labeled MMHRB instead of MHRB on /r/drugs)
9 P.M. I begin by dosing my 5g Syrian Rue Tea, 9:40 P.M. I dose my 8g MHRB Tea, and chase it with some water. I had no nausea from the Syrian rue at this point, and didn't get any from the MHRB. I spent the come up just listening to music and focusing on my breathing, already a bit giggly from the Syrian Rue. Over this time I progressively felt my body become warmer, and warmer and eventually began buzzing. I decided to smoke a small bowl of a blend of passion flower and cannabis, maybe it was the wrong decision maybe it was the right. Doing it alone may have been the wrong decision, but it doesn't matter, I'm here and breathing.
I was listening to Sphongle when things began to really start to feel intense, and had to collapse down to the ground from my computer chair, and was left completely relaxed, content and in amazement of what I was feeling. Suddenly the urge to listen to Swans - A Little God In My Hands shot through me. When I was able to get it to come up on the first try I felt somewhat proud and happy with my self for a moment, and the first time in awhile before I was forced down to the ground again and laid in the fetal position, The next next 7 minutes were spent listening to the song laughing, crying, rolling around and feeling the energy in my body grow and grow. As the climax of the song built my body would rise upwards, my mouth opening wider, and my shrieking becoming louder, but right as it ended an unknown song started right away and it felt like a lullaby, I was at rest with the world, I could see my childhood self playing and completely content with the world around him. I shortly began crying afterwards though when I really thought about what I had become, because of all terrible decisions that brought me here.
I grabbed a blanket off my bed and when I was kicking it up and down my body became jello, every movement was like the bones in my body were completely gone as if I were I swimming in the blanket, and every time a limb would lift it would fall down gracefully as if it were melting slowly and intentionally, this made me stop crying and begin laughing. This is when my body started to get very cold, I felt like I was dying, and it didn't matter, but at the same time it did. I just remember hearing something tell me to close my windows, as I had forgotten to and it was getting pretty cold around this time of night here. With all the energy and resilience I could muster moved towards my windows I felt like a serpent, in the way that I was moving through the world, like gravity had no hold on me I got to my windows and it took a few tries just to be able to get the windows shut, I could feel that I was panicking a bit, thinking that I may just kill my self If I didn't get these windows shut.
Thankfully I did get but it felt like I was reaching to close them forever, in a time loop, that seemed to break once they shut I got another urge to change the music, but I never was able to as that my world was beginning to fall away from me, my face was bobbling and I was losing the ability to speak, I was rapidly moving the mouse up and down in attempt to control my self, but as the my vision was becoming entrenched in tracers more and more I just accepted that the only earthly sounds I would be left with for now would be my fan and the roar of my computer fans, but it didn't bother me, I was content and horrified and sad and happy all the same time, when I laid in bed I had begun contorting my entire body over and over as if I you were watching somebody who's been "possessed", it felt so good and I had no control over it for who knows how long, this is when I began to think that I was going to be stuck in these continual uncontrollable movements forever and that "I really did it now Jizzum Wizard!"
My mind was pondering on so many things and losing grasp of it constantly, eventually just going into a laughter, sometimes a cry, then back to thinking, over and over again. I was hearing News Reporters talking about me and my life and my room and where I would be found laying, the police coming in, the world knowing my families secrets. I was a smoker for 7 years and the news reporters kept saying "Poor Circulation" it was all I could catch along with "Fatal Tragedy", random people talking about how I had gotten to this place, and what had happened to me in my childhood. My grandparents and sister crying, my friends crying, my family falling apart even farther than it has. Something said to me "So this is what you've wanted huh?" and my mind began racing, "You're Death" "You're Death" "You're Life" You're Life". It would echo away from me, I was hearing voices of people I've listened to speak about these experiences and I felt connected to them I don't know how but I began forcing my self to get up, unable to speak, and feeling dehydrated.
Each time I'd begin to try and do what I was thinking was going to save my life I'd stop and began to see what would happen if instead of my my loved ones finding me dead, I began seeing what would happen if they found me in more or less the comatose state of uncontrollable movement where'd they have to take care of me till they died, and then I'd be thrown on to my sister till I died. I began to randomly get up and somehow grab water from my not far mini fridge, and pouring half a bottle of water down my throat, lots of it falling on my body, I felt my body warming up again now instead of freezing to the bone. The way I was moving I could only compare to that of a baby trying to learn how to move, with my arms out in front of me, stumbling, loss of balance. My vision was in a complete wobble, and every thought or voice felt like it echoed away from me into the universe, I was in the cosmos, and left to go wherever I wished, I imagined I was floating by planets, eventually to become the force its self that holds it all together.
I would keep repeating this, getting up and getting water and doing things that just sort of reminded me of living in my body again, grabbing my vape and hitting it, turning the light on and off, opening and closing the windows over and over. I honestly felt as if I were going through the process of rebirth, of coming back into this world after just being in the warmth of motherly love, by being torn from torn from the womb and slowly being able to understand the world around me bit by bit. I kept thinking about, and about where my mother was where my father was, I haven't seen them since I was 6, but I could occasionally feel their presence calming me down and telling me I was going to be Ok. Like I was being cradled to stop worrying but then was left to my self again where I would begin to panic and wonder where they were, and would get up doing stuff and again would be put back down to rest. I'd lay in bed making noises with my mouth, trying to speak, I remember repeating "Mom" but with the little control I had over my mouth it was mostly gibberish.
Though at some point in the night when I began to feel like I was overheating I remember I didn't feel the comforting presence of my parents return to me and began thinking of sudden infant dead syndrome, my breathing became more and more rapid, and it seemed like my heart was beating faster than it had ever before, this is when I thought "baby is going to die". Something urged me to take a cold shower, I kept hearing "in an attempt to save his life" from the news reporters. Movement at this point was like skipping through time as I made my way to the shower. I was observing my self, completely on the outside, but somehow still able to stay grounded enough to understand what was going on, I had begin to lose control of "nature calls" and had "oozed" in the shower from the front and back.
I was in the shower for what I would guess was 10 minutes turning the water from warm to cold and back when I began to feel uncomfortable, I was mostly aloof still with my uncontrollable movement mostly being me moving my hand to my chin, and trying to stand my self up and hold my body up straight. I'd fall into poses where I'd stay for a long time, and thinking that if this body is to die it's fine, I'll be back to a familiar human experience, at some point, but it didn't matter when, and it wasn't going to be the one I was just in. I had visions of a new father, a new mother nursing me, and nothing and everything mattered to me in this moment. "You're going to be Ok, You'll be back" I'd tell my self, still my speech was extremely slurred. It was as if I were black out drunk in my movement when trying to dry my self, and floated into thought in the middle of things, and the feelings of having to purge my bowels came back again, but I was able to do it on the toilet this time.
I started to feel this love again but this time it wasn't from my parents, it was something I can't explain, but it made me keep trying to dry my self and to drink water when it felt I needed it or to again use the restroom when needed. When I would drift off I was looking at my life, and felt ashamed but also liberated, the problems from childhood to now were seeping out of every fiber of my being and showing their faces but this time they didn't matter. These were past experiences I thought and that "I have infinity to experience now, and tomorrow to experience it all over again"
Again would it feel like I was overheating so I'd take another cool shower and was then back to having to get my self dry, but my my speech progressively got better, I kept repeating the mantra "I love you grandma, I love you grandpa, I love you sister, I love you brother, I love you mother, I love you father" I don't even have a brother but oh well, I felt like I did then. I slowly become more and more grounded again, I was able to get a shirt on, my movement was becoming less hectic. I was returning to normal, which surprised me as it was only nearing 1 AM, meaning only about four hours instead of the usual 8 hours reported with oral DMT experiences.
My eyes were still saucer plates, my vision was still wobbling slightly, and I'd lose trace of thought and fall in short trances but was mostly composed, and was able send a couple friends some texts, "I'm Dying. And it's Ok. I am the Serpent of time and death. I love you guys, but don't worry I'll be back!" I could also use my mouse again since my body didn't feel like it was melting anymore, so I decided to turn something familiar on, Red Letter Media Watches the Ending of Resident Evil: Afterlife just for Rich Evan's laugh and lay in bed some more. My time there was spent trying to make sense of what had happened, crying with tears of laughter, calm and collected, and able to make some sense of the world around me again. Sound still had an echo to it for a while but not so pronounced, but made the laughs that much more hilarious to me.
There was more to the experience that I had felt, but really can't convey, but to quickly try. I felt connected to everything while also being disconnected from everything. I'd laugh when I'd think about all the people who had experienced it and the "otherworldly wisdom" you get the flushed with, or that I just glitched the game and am conversing with it in way in which it was not made to be experienced. I'd hear a fatherly voice, telling me to keep my chin up, and stand strong, a motherly voice would calm me down when I became too panicky. I also had this sense that I was just a simple primate and now something greater. The whole experience was like becoming a fetus, a baby, a toddler, a child, a teenager and finally back into my current day self.
Experiences from those times in my life would fly through me as I felt I was developing in to an adult all over again. It seemed I had went insane and back again, but all the while being able to have an inner monologue of what was happening, and knowing you did it to your self. While I was drifting off in my bed between getting up for water and all the showering, drying and shitting I would sing familiar songs to my self, and at some point could only hear the wind blow, the house settling and airplanes going over head. I had tried putting my self in the shoes of the bodies flying above me in that moment, and felt the greatest sympathy and empathy for the human experience, and for everyone on the flight, not that I felt something bad was going to happen to them but that something bad has already happened to us all. I felt I knew them and all and not a single one of them at once, which seemed to be common with my experience, being in this duality of life and death of knowing and not knowing, and trying to understand it all.
This may have seemed all over the place, and I'm sorry about that I'm not too articulate or intelligent as I had used to be before abusing DXM heavily last year, accompanied with an existential crisis, that had since mostly disappeared prior to the trip due to my 8 months of sobriety from all things other than kratom, kava and weed, which has been used mostly daily with some breaks for 5-7 days between sometimes. Nor is this is in anyway the best retelling of what I had experienced last night, but the closest I can get with my grasp on English currently. Thanks if you got through it, I'm thankful I did.
TL;DR I died, turned into jello, floated through the universe, became it, was ripped from the womb, and grew back up in to an adult. Not literally but emotionally, obviously ;)
(And I just found I could crosspost and edit the title! Well how about that)