DOSE:
T+ 0:00
insufflated
Cocaine
(powder / crystals)
T+ 0:00
2 - 3 hits
smoked
Cannabis
T+ 1:00
1 hit
oral
LSD
(blotter / tab)
T+ 5:30
1 hit
oral
LSD
(blotter / tab)
BODY WEIGHT:
110 lb
Last year my life has changed considerably and I have been busy focusing on the subjects of ego and at times fighting it in myself or others. I came back to my home country for Christmas and didn't socialize much, every reunion with friends made it seem like they cannot comprehend my current state of affairs. I decided to spend a New Years Eve all by myself in my big and well equipped attic room and set up some goals for next year, meditate on my reality and ask the invisible forces to teach me to focus. My friend (let�s call him Ken) who has been around for many years asked if he can come with his girlfriend (let�s call her Barbie) for two hours. I didn't think they would affect my trip and invited them readily.
Throughout the day I had sniffed 3 mini lumps of coke (one small line altogether) to finish my carpentry project faster and smoked 2-3 hits of cannabis sativa. Last time I smoked and dosed around 8:30 and prepared my space for a eventful night.
Around 9:30 I dropped the first tab and started drawing. I was still working, feeling excited and giddy when Ken and Barbie arrived around 11. I invited them to draw, but the only piece of paper I could find was a pencil sketch of my self portrait from years ago. They decided to work on the existing structure instead of drawing something new and I joined in, covering the surface with tangled thin lines, looking like blood vessels or nerves. Each one had a specific style but I was the only one who reached further and further, covering with my tangles whatever they colored. I didn�t see anything wrong in it and they didn�t express their opposition. I pointed out that our energies and world views translate onto paper, but Ken immediately opposed it, saying it�s random. I didn�t feel like fighting for it, especially since if I only left their company I would get lost in a world of colors and subtle hallucinations which I preferred to his dominant, male and square energy. None of them acknowledged that I was tripping and treated me in any special way. We barely noticed midnight and wished each other good year which left me with a cynical aftertaste. My sister whom I consider to live in denial in shallow waters came up with her phantom, awkward boyfriend and the four of them gathered around the drawing while I was cringing like a chimp in front of the computer. I didn�t like their official, boring vibe. I invited them to draw (they were officious and reluctant, didn�t want to interfere, blah blah yadda yadda) and the way they all communicated with each other made me sad. Why were they all so happy to act like boring old people? I was aware that my normal life far away from this country was much more wild and weird, which none of them even wanted to be. Their existence around me made me think of myself as a spoilt child and them as my toys.
My sister and her shadow left and I realized that Ken�s presence has a very square, forever organizing energy. He took away my focus and changed the mood in the room. It was not fascinating and magic anymore, it was a big square. I saw how he had always been like that (square only intensifying with age) and that my style was thin tangled lines, surrounding his squareness as it proceeded steadily, trying to put everything in his order. I observed the couple drawing and pointed out things about their style, feeling like their therapist, but they didn�t want to pick up the ball and open themselves up. I felt that they were closed tight and my ways didn�t work with them. I tried few things like movement, dance, but their grey shallow vibe didn�t inspire me. They smoked some weed and I gave them wine, hoping to make them relax into wilderness. I was taking photos of them trying to see what I wanted to see but I always saw squares, inability to open, to be flexible. Was it only them or me as well? I admit I couldn�t even remember my techniques of opening people, I was feeling unsuccessful, the colors were pastel and dull. Ken, met my comments and remarks awakening his inner ape, primal male ego. I saw a monkey in his actions, aware of losing his influence and one of his females breaking out of his square which was dangerous for Barbie, his mate who was observing me from her submissive position, craving for more expression. I took some photos of the ape exposed and he wasn�t happy. We fought for the camera and I let go, he deleted them.
I realized I was in a strange state of mind and those things happening were not what I wanted. I started dressing Barbie up and taking photos of her while Ken was observing like an owner. I realized the weird masquerade to please males. How I am also his female, for many years spending time together and now I take upon myself the role of a stylist of his treasure, the meek, docile, submissive, beautiful Barbie. She had no power in her, expressed no original thoughts that would oppose his, so she became a mannequin. She did things I asked her to do, but always looked at him for permission and I lost interest in her very quickly. If I only had her on my own! Ken the warden was always around, observing and squarely approving or disapproving.
Around 2am the vibe was still the same and I took another tab of acid, looking for the depth I was missing. I wanted them to leave, but it all felt like a mess. I wanted to solve this, to create a breakthrough, something to blow up and people to open themselves, but I was stuck in shallow water, in the despair of inertia, no growth. I wanted to solve this, to create a breakthrough, something to blow up and people to open themselves, but I was stuck in shallow water, in the despair of inertia, no growth.