DOSE:
insufflated
Amphetamines
BODY WEIGHT:
120 lb
The combination of using amphetamines and having issues with food and/or body image and/or suffering from an eating disorder could be potentially disastrous � it hasn�t been for me (yet!) but I can easily see what a huge temptation it is to use amphetamines (or generally, stimulants that have an anorectic effect) for weight-control purposes, especially as I have the tendency to have my food binges every now and then, each one of them leaving me with a very bitter feeling of guilt and self-consciousness.
Most days I�m preoccupied with food, and most days I can�t control too well what I�m eating, or at least definitely not as well as I wish I could; even when I�m not hungry I often find myself reaching for food just for the sake of it (I�ve been relatively thin by now because I manage to compensate that by various means).
Most days, except for when I insufflate that bump of white powder in the morning � it not only shuts off hunger completely but it also elevates my temperature, and that, of course, means that my body spends more energy than normal in sustaining itself (I�ve used clenbuterol /a medication used for the treatment of asthma and often abused by body-builders/ for weight-control purposes, it also elevates bodily temperature) and makes me eager for physical activity: a combination that is well-desired and welcomed. The loss of appetite that is specific for amphetamines has always amazed me � not only I don�t think about food and it seems to be completely unappealing but it�s almost impossible to eat � it tastes like plastic, it�s difficult to swallow, and I just don�t see the point in the whole process. Many other interesting activities are awaiting for me! That�s probably nothing too exclusive for most people but it is indeed a very charming (side) effect for those who have food issues and are struggling with them on a daily basis � that�s the most effective anorectic that I�ve found so far, of these that I have used.
The weight loss that once had resulted from only 2 consecutive days of doing speed astonished me; coming down and the after-effects prevented me from continuing the scheme. The first day I did a fair amount of speed (I cannot give any more precise information since I�m using illegally produced amphetamines that come to me in the form of powder and aren�t really pure, or anywhere close to purity, and vary greatly in quality) at 8.30 am, which resulted into a very strong feeling of euphoria that lasted for about 30 minutes and a general positive mood for the next few hours; I was productive, I was content with what I�m doing, I wasn�t thinking about food. The only effect that I disliked was that I was feeling very detached from my emotions � I could analyze anything, I would dwell into (almost absurd) abstractions and rationalizations which I would manically write down, but emotions seemed to be irrelevant and unnecessary, and that did bother me quite a lot (that�s also something I generally have issues with, as I tend to have some difficulties relating to others and maintaining healthy social relations). I was alone all the time, and was going to be alone for the next days.
At around 17h (so, T + 08:30) I began coming down � a feeling of sadness and hopelessness almost completely took me over for about half an hour, then it suddenly evolved into a relaxed, contemplative mood, and I would swing back and forth several times and each time I�d assume it was the last change to happen. Around 19h I ended up being very low and paranoid, also feeling very fragile, something I�ve never experienced from amphetamines before � all my previous comedowns were characterized mostly by mental & physical tiredness, some apathy and a feeling of �not wanting to let go� the state that I had been in prior to that. This time it was extreme � I was feeling very lonely and isolated from people, yet I felt I really needed to express to someone what was inside of me, and generally to talk, but yet I felt unable to reach out for anyone. Walking through the city was very unpleasant (I had to go out for a while), I was feeling observed and judged by people, I was feeling transparent and frail, I was feeling chased by myself, too (that�s how I call a very specific mood/state when I find myself in a position of an �external� observer � I analyze and criticize myself and my actions but I don�t feel authentic � it mostly happens in a sober state). Getting home and preparing some food brought me back to reality; I had some troubles falling asleep but it wasn�t too difficult to deal with.
On the next day everything seemed to be back to normal, so I opted for doing speed once again, ignoring my unpleasant state from the previous evening. The reason was, partly, that I was afraid of overeating, given that I ate almost nothing on the day before; I settled for having some breakfast and insufflating a small amount of the substance at late morning. At first it felt alright, it felt pretty good even, all the effects that I expected were noticeable but not overwhelming � exactly what I wanted. Then I began feeling more and more low, and more and more anxious. I kept myself occupied (also because I needed to distract myself from thinking) with frantically cleaning the house but it was difficult to ignore myself and my feelings. Coming down was almost too devastating � I literally felt like I was falling into insanity; the flat that I live in now appeared to be huge and a very, very lonely place to be, I felt like I was resonating in that empty, overrun space, I was trapped in myself with no way out, I felt even more detached from people, capsulated and unbearably alone, and I felt like I would never come back to my normal state � I knew that this wasn�t the case, however rationally knowing it didn�t make any difference for the moment and didn�t provide any relief.
Back to the topic of food, I remember looking at myself in the mirror and noticing that I had lost a lot more weight than I would expect I could lose in 2 days, however it didn�t make me feel satisfied or content with myself, it just made me feel miserable (which seems to be very typical for most people that have food issues). I stared at the mirror for a while � my body looked so bony and brittle, my breasts were significantly smaller (I anyway have them small), my ribs would stick out � and I bitterly asked myself, �so is that what you want? is it?�; I�m glad I found that image of myself ugly, I�m well-aware what would follow as a consequence had I liked it, because I knew I anyway wouldn�t be able to keep that weight off, except for with more speed. (Needless to say that my appetite came double as strong as usual on the next few days...) And I�m aware I�m currently not stable at all, emotionally and mentally, so I wouldn�t be able to deal with the mess that this circle would create � in my mind and in my life.
I managed to contact my loving and understanding partner, and that hugely helped me in regaining sense of reality and in not feeling as isolated; had I not contacted anyone, it would have been much more difficult to get out of that state � it felt like something inside me was broken and I wasn�t sure whether I�d be able to repair it. The quick fix of all my weight issues had just proved to be impossible to control, and I�m rather glad it did.
I�m not sure who/what I�m writing this for, or if it would help anyone by any means, or if I want it to help; I just wanted to reach out for people in a similar situation as mine. (Saying �you�re not alone� is, of course, pretty pathetic. In fact anything that I�d write here as a conclusion would be pathetic; there aren't any conclusions.)
Exp Year: 2008ExpID: 73393 Gender: Female Age at time of experience: Not Given Published: Aug 2, 2009Views: Not Supported [ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Amphetamines (6) : Difficult Experiences (5), Alone (16) -->