DOSE:
Methamphetamine
BODY WEIGHT:
106 lb
Late August 2003 - Introduction to smoking meth
amount smoked: minimal, two or three small puffs.
sensations: slight elevation of alertness, already happy feelings were mildly enhanced by less self-consciouness (we were on a trip out of our small town for a weekend Gay Pride fiesta)
mid October - second meth experience
amount smoked: approx 20 to 50 mg throughout the night
amount snorted: a small line of approx 20 mg
sensations: much higher than the first time. Smoking produced a pleasurable 'expanding' feeling, my mind releasing any self-doubts and my chest feeling 'expanded'.
Energy level was just right for a 5 hour dance marathon at a super fun dance party. The music was incredible, transporting me to trance land where I was one witht he sexy beats of techno mixed with salsa or middle eastern sounds.
A meth dealer who owed me money for pot fronted almost a year before gave me a partial payment of what he owed in the form of a $25 bag of meth (I didn't know what the measurement was, from what I remember, it looked like about three or four points (30 or 40 mg)
Upon my return home the next day, I felt quite fine, having drank a couple beers on the ferry. I noticed that cigarettes are quite enjoyable while I'm speeding.
My partner wanted to do meth that night, and I was into it also. We used about 30 mg, snorted it and smoked it. We had great sex which we filmed from a tripod and a remote control for zooming.
I had been up for saturday, sunday, and monday nite. By tuesday, I was seeing smoke shapes, and people's auras, with squiggly lines, bubbles and lights surrounding everyone I looked at. I was quite in wonderment. My partner had ultra-violet patches on his chest, and green patches on his face and elsewhere on his body. I saw little sparkles in the air, some people would have interpreted those as bugs. I slept for a long time after that, lots of time was needed to recover.
Nov 15, 2003 2:41 am
A thirty-something starts experimenting - first time injecting
early evening - approx 10mg to 15mg each injected (sterile water, a new sterile and packaged rig for each participant and alcohol swabs) supervised by experienced users.
sensations: about the same 'highness' as the first time I smoked it, not enuf to get a rush, but enuf to feel the rise in energy.
the next 6 hours - approx one gram smoked between 2 men and one woman sensations felt: the pleasurable 'rush' that starts expanding in my head and flowing strongly in my chest. Much relating on personal levels, awake all night into the morning, slight let down the next night and the following day.
My partner wanted to do meth together tonite because I didn't get to party with him in town this weekend, I had to work the past two days. Now I don't have to work for the next few days, and he brought a rather large amount this time: 1.5 g (he split an 8-ball (3.5 grams) with a friend. Our bag lasted about a month. Our friend's bag got smoked in a shorter time by him and my partner while they worked (or frittered) around our friend's newly rented house which had remnants of drugs and money ($100) and a flap of heroin (our friend consumed it - my partner got the money)
I would have liked to get really high tonite, stay up all nite partying an talkin... well, we invited our friend to join us, then I started thinking... our 12 year old son hasn't been exposed to any drug culture besides pot (my partner had tried heroin via needle a couple times about 15 years ago, a couple years before I met him - I hadn't yet encountered the needle up close and personal altho I've hung out with many drug users that used many drugs).
I decided that I didn't feel like it was right to shoot while our son was home... that I'd rather wait till he's gone to a friends' house ... that I don't feel ready yet to explain to him about needles and drugs should he walk in on us while we have the rigs and stuff laid out. Only because of the propaganded social pressure.
It was a tortuous moment to announce my decision, as a mom, of delaying our pokey party till the next night. I felt so bad at disappointing our friend. He was really bummed. The purpose of the mind altering session was to cheer him up and give him a chance to talk about stuff. He really needed to talk.
I felt bad about disappointing my partner too, but him and our friend were ok with the decision after all, eventually telling me it was a good decision.
It was ok though, no arguments.
Just for clarification, we've always smoked pot around our child, since he were born. The smoking of a joint between friends has been a normal thing for him. He already tried it with his friends - I asked them one afternoon. They didn't get high the first time; I laughed when they said that, I related my similar experience smoking pot for the first time.
Our son doesn't need to know about us trying out the intravenous method... at least not for a time... when he's older, if/when he comes across these things himself, we'll be there for him with any info he needs.
What we did, the next day, was go to a friends' house and did it there. There was no way for our offspring to walk in on us over there with all the rigs and stuff laying out. Then we came back to my house, the three of us having unanimously agreed that we wanted to get speedier, so we went downstairs (our son was in our bedroom, working on his project on the computer)and smoked approx 50 mg.
When we felt good and elated, we went back upstairs to sit on the bed where we talked about important personal issues while our child worked on computer projects a few feet away.
Over the course of the night, we went back downstairs (saying something like 'we're gonna clean some of the basement')
Another 20mg was smoked between the three of us.
Return upstairs to converse some more.
same night, 4 am
I would like to state that the introduction of methamphetamine to my process of learning to speak my mind has been hugely beneficial. I have used it with my partner and close friends for talking about subjects that are important to us and need to be talked about.
I am careful to not use it for prolonged time, wanting to learn to speak my mind all the time and not just when I'm speeding.
I am fortunate to know experienced friends that showed me how to consume it properly and safely.
Dec 09, 2003 12 am
Saturday, day 2 of a 3 day meth binge.
The friend who had introduced us to meth had become quite alarmed at the amount we procured, thinking the whole 8-ball was ours, which wasn't the case.
A rift developed over the course of about the past month between me and what I perceived as the outside world, in particular my closest friends. I was so involved in my head, that life started slipping by. My internal projections and reflections confused my ability to discuss my fears with my closest friends. Paralysis by fear is a state of mind that is too, too familiar to me, that has been hard to shake from my basic hardware programming...
I mentioned in an earlier post about how I found methamphetamine to be a verbal catalyst; so far, since about a month ago, my partner and I have reconnected on a very deep level. We found it easy to communicate with each other and subsequently my partner has been able to jump the gap between being high and communicative to not being high and still being communicative.
I, on the other hand, am still having a hard time letting go and being in the moment at times when I need to express what I consider to be 'taboo' territory. I have to own up to my feelings of fear; fear of lots of things.... fear of situations. fear of scaring my close friends away with my love developing to include a sexual attraction... There has been a lot of chatter in my thoughts, cluttering up my priorities to the point of a kind of emotional paralysis.
My friend has been talking to me for months about how important it is to be aware of automatic reactions and empty behaviors. How it is important to express one's emotions in the moment.
My inability to be in the moment has caused frustration to my friend, which in turn caused me anguish. I feel like shit for not paying attention to his communicating concern about my meth use.
When we procured a half gram of meth, I looked up information about it and read some submitted personal accounts on Erowid.com. I read a book my friend lent me, Crystal Children by Greg, published by Drug Book Press. It is a collection of personal accounts, and I became afraid of fulfilling an undesirable outcome of becoming addicted and obsessed with doing more of that stuff. Because I like the effects. I don't want to like it too much.
I had developed a feeling of shame about using the stuff within a short time. I became afraid to admit to my closest friend about using. It became like a dirty little secret... hide the pipe, and hide the little bag... actually keeping it in a hiding place is a good idea. The stuff's potent, and I don't want our son or his friends to find it.
My initial enthusiasm at this substance's ability to open the speech center was an illusion. Sure, it reduces verbal inhibition, but it can also make me jibber jabber, and interrupt. I indulged hibernation in my room, using the cold weather as an excuse to stay in and read books and write.... Ya, read books about undoing myself and other self development and I go and act like an idiot, thus pissing off and hurting those I love.
I went and did exactly what I didn't want to do. Makes me think of riding a bike and looking at a rock I seek to avoid but run right into it instead. I went and acted in a way that made my friends feel uncomfortable.
I acted like I was in a box. I acted like a sleepwalker.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
Monday morning, after a good nite's sleep.
amount injected: half a point between four people
amount smoked: smidgen between three (like, two small puffs each)
sensations: somewhat dulled after having binged so soon before, however the conversations and the sensual intimate bath we shared were very conducive to feeling high anyway.
Me and my partner went over to our friends' house and smoked some meth after injecting a small amount each, leaving enuf for a couple puffs each. and took a bath in their awesome big bathtub. We had a long discussion with them, who were recovering from a couple nights in town spent doing drugs too. We talked about me and my partner's usage of meth, which had started to become kind of a weekend habit (four weekends in a row). I did not feel much concern over my own usage, not believing it was such a big deal. I enjoyed the previous times spent spinning with my friends and, recently, alone with my partner.
I was unattentive of my friend's concern over my lack of communication, and didn't recognise his humble expression of his own experiences of doing drugs, his exposure of his vulnerabilities and me not recognising that, I thus did not share my own vulnerabilities about my recent indulgence.
Most of my meth usage has been in the bedroom, at night, with my partner. We sat and talked for hours, we looked at porn on the internet, we got really horny, and had awesome sex.
Our times spent this way has revitalized our relationship in a big way. We are in our 13th year together, and this episode of drug usage has helped in relieving our second installment of the seven year itch.
We are aware of keeping the energy alive, so that we don't have to do keep doing drugs to feel that horny. We can make an effort to create a sacred sexy space conducive to passionate lovemaking based on what we remember from our drug-induced revelations.
It is now Monday evening (11 pm) I didn't get to finishing this until tonite.
All in all, I treasure my relationship with my close friends way more over doing meth binges every weekend.
It was a creat catalyst for re-igniting me and my partner's personal life, but it's catalytic usefulness has reached it's limit. It is now time to back off and reflect on our lessons and implement what we learned. I know I will do it again, but I have support with my partner and our best friends to take a break from the weekend to weekend binges.
Dec 09, 2003 10:09 pm
It is tuesday, and I feel the depression trying to settle in my brain.
It's kind of hard to tell, actually, between chemical induced sadness and what makes me sad anyways; because I've been depressed since early teens.
I want to do more of that crazy crystal stuff, because it's fun... that's why I'm refraining from it... I realize that I really don't get much done when I'm on that stuff. I also want to keep it's specialness and not turn it into a habit... It seems regular usage creates a kind of alienation.
Dec 12, 2003 8:25 pm
The temptation to do more
is pressing on a door
in my brain that seeks
it feels like it been weeks
I get up to get it
but my movements I edit
and I sit back down
waiting with a frown
I sense disappointment
at my lack of self control
I want a brain ointment
would I lose my soul?
I'm stronger than that
I just want a little bit
I heard that's what they all say
before they do a little bit more.
what keeps me from doing more
is the fear of disappointment
from my partner
from my friends
what keeps me from doing more
is the knowledge of chemical dependacy
So I wait...
Dec 17, 2003 5:25 am
so I wait...
till the right time
which was Saturday night
a decision to induce excitement
a glorious ecstatic horny love night
me and my partner
pointing camera take snapshots
Relaxing Sunday
baked chicken dinner
with kin-folk
yummy dinner and nice big sleep
wake up refreshed and rested
to smoke a hit again
smoke it all
finish that bag so it's gone
one more pipeful tonite
and that's it for a long ass time
(our connection quit using)
X n Y are grateful for having had the opportunity to experience such an exhilirating state. We humbly apologise for causing hurt feelings through our alienating behavior (two day binge followed by three day recovery... it's time consuming)
May 24, 2004
I feel like describing a bit of my experience thus far with crytal meth. I hadn't ben doing as much computer stuff since the turning of Spring, I hadn't written in here since last January or early feb when I had posted a rant that I can describe right now as 'flippant'. I had pointedly written towards someone in particular who had a problem with my private meth use and voiced hir concerns in inddirect yet sharp accusatory-feeling overtones. I had deleted the post immediately upon recieving an e-mail about it.
I realized it was inappropriate, however genuine the emotional expression might have been.
All thru winter I felt ostracized by my friend's uptightness (concern) I felt tortured by the mental dilemma thus created, of not indulging in speed so my friend wouldn't freak out and wanting to indulge anyways, on my own time, with my partner, all the while wishing some of the time could be shared with my friend.
Since the turning of Spring, my relationship with said friend has muchly improved, as we quit relying on email or messenger to communicate big importaant emotional feelings and/or concerns and started dialoguing in real time in person more often.
Lessons learned thus far: not to be so harsh and condescending in the translation of emotional feelings of loss and fear; and to not be afraid to speak up honestly and in the moment.
I have stated in my earlyer post 'meth as catalyst' that I had gotten used to speaking up more thru using.
I had practiced this art of speaking my mind during the past few months.
I had the fortune of having a friend move in for the past 5 months who is extremelly extroverted, and unbashful of voicing her thoughts. That was an influence I badly needed. I needed to absorb some Kali Goddess energy from an embodiment of such an archetype.
I have been using speed recently, with my partner, sometimes with our other friend. Most of the usage occurs in our bedroom, at night, just the two of us, where we developed our own kind of private ritual of getting each other super horny and achieving wicked orgasms.
I would like to describe the present attitude now concerning this crytal stuff.
It is clear that crystal meth is indeed compulsive and addictive, in the sense that me and my partner end up staying up for two nights finishing a bag. Smoking it until it's gone. A couple times we've gone right out the next day and got more, because we didn't want to stop the exhilirating ride just yet.
I have been keeping my priorities, that of buying food and taking care of bills before feeling ok about spending money on drugs. The local dealer we get it from is starting to look a bit under the weather, having become a pretty heavy user. I've talked with him about possibly taking a break from dealing and snorting. He's expressed a certain amount of desire to quit this game for a time, it seems he hasn't yet..
I don't think he has anyone in his life to help remind him of his health needs, not to mention the potential police bustage aspect, where it seems to me that the longer he deals in a public place and at the same time every day increases his chances of getting caught.
But enuf about someone else.
I notice the amount smoked had increased due to tolerance build up. Another reason to have breaks of at least a week between bags.
I must add that this is the only substance I've ever bothered buying repeatly, having previously thought of myself as being 'too cheap to be a junky'. Such is not the case anymore.
I also must add that I'm glad I didn't come across this stuff as a teen or young adult, when I was way more emotionally fucked up inside than I am now. I would have gotten lost in the puffy crystal world of escapism, as i was yearning to escape my family and it's disfunctions. I understand the concern felt by many about teens using this stuff.
Crystal meth is a powerful neural stimulant. I feel an amount of distress at the thought of younger folks, who are still developing, getting into crystal meth, as I feel poisons should only be administered to consenting adults whose bodies are no longer growing and developing.
I also would like to share my finding the qualities of secretiveness around the usage. The need for this kind of 'secret' adds to the ritualistic aspect of the smoking of this substance.
May 28, 2004
Our friend had become quite beside himself about our indulgence, having stated in various different ways his feelings about watching the couple he loved indulging in so much poison. I became introverted as a result of his concern which came across to me as angry remarks on the phone and accusatory-seeming emails.
Over the months of December and January we communicated, or attempted to communicate, more and more by emails. The words written were reaching a point where there was no understanding on either side, he felt concern and helplessness at our decisions and I felt like I was being unnecessarily pressured.
I hardly saw him or his partner for those months, did not see them at all in february. I became extremelly depressed by the end of that month, having stayed in my bedroom most of the time, reading and getting frustrated at not having any real time to sit with him to talk about what needed to be talked about.
I felt suicidal (a familiar feeling, stemming from teen years) during this time I also realized that this self destructive feeling was a habit in times of hopelessness and depression. Welfare reality used to sometimes throw me into these black moods, depressed over being misunderstood and hopelessly caught in the cycle of poverty, never achieving the recognition and earnings I deserved as a talented visual artist.
Discerning between meth induced depression and my usual depression was difficult. It would have been an obvious cause if I hadn't gotten 'triggered' by critisism by someone I love and respect. These months produced within me the desire to pack a small backpack and go for a walk across the country. I wanted to run away from the people who seemed to be causing me a lot of pain, and my partner who was having a crisis of self-identity and marital expectations.
Aug 9, 2004
description of summer-long binging, from May to end of July.
amount used at a time: half gram for two, lasting two days and a night.
method of ingestion: mostly smoked, barely snorted.
It's been a year now since our very first taste of this infernal material of the crystal denial. I experienced an addiction, and am still experiencing it as not doing any, not byuing any.... easy when we have no money.... wait till we do get some income, then will my will be tested.... and my partner's will too.
We spent the summer, well, we planned to, intended to, spend the summer doing lots o drugs and live in a camper until we find a place in aug or sept. (Our landlord moved back in his house last June, and we hadn't found another house yet, so we decided to have an adventure and live in a truck-canopy camper in a friends' driveway. Our son went to visit his grandparents across the country for the summer.)
Our intended drug-indulged 'honeymoon' started with my two bottom incisor teeth getting an absess and their extraction - which already had a pre-existing condition of 10 years, that of tartar, receding gums and looseness.
The sudden intake of the sweetly noxious vapours of speed hurtling over the front teeth and racing along the tongue had exacerbated those two teeth's state of dis-ease, and 'speeded' up the process of their eventual removal. I kept putting off getting a new toothbrush because I had a feeling it had fallen to the ground and picked up germs. But I really wanted to refresh my mouth that day, it felt so mungy. This was the last day I ever brushed my teeth in the vigorous way that I remembered to have been taught. The following tooth time also made me realize that bleeding gums upon brushage was not normality. Nay. 1000mg of vitamin c cured that, now my toothpaste spit is all white. All right. So I brushed my teeth that day, after smokin crystal for a few days in a row. My gums tingled after, like they usually do, except this tingle intensified throughout the day, until by evening when it became unbearable and all I could do was moan and groan in front of the computer screen, as I worked on my art progects. I saw the dentist the next day, who exclaimed at my teeth, 'oh my god!'.
The gum line was absolutely ripe for a good ol' absess: all puffed up under the gum, and literally fizzing it's volcanic-like pus-juice. I was rinsing with lots o sea-salt water and spittin a lot. Which brings me to another point... Excuse my puns.
Sometime in July
amounts: still half a gram for a couple for two days and a night. longest sleep deprivation: three nights into the fourth morning when sleep overcame me; I caught myself falling asleep while lighting a hit, waking up to a cooled pipe.
summary of hallucinations: 'bugs' floating in my spit, green strobe light in pitch dark, sense of balance askew which was like being on a boat.
I had been up for three nights, rinsing n spitting after each meth hit, when I noticed my spit had strange formations of uniform little bubbles which looked like crystal from my teeth and tissue surfaces. I then noticed that some of the particles had little legs, like bugs, like the cilias on paramecea. I recognized them as illusions, relished the spectacle, the whole time remaining aware of the hallucinatory origins of such 'creatures'.
My partner wasn't interested in my spit, but I was fascinated and couldn't stop observing and laughing. Sleep deprivation is quite an experience. I enjoyed it.
Another effect I experienced during that week was the green strobe light in the pitch black, walking towards our camper. It was uncanny, I was equally fascinated with this hallucination.
A week later my two teeth were extracted, the asbessed material cleaned out, and now I have a childish gap on my bottom jaw. It doesn't show though, unless I purposely jut my lower jaw with lip extended. It's like a seven year old's gap tooth. The symbolism of that age reflection is perfect for the time period I was going through, being the satisfaction of the physical senses and emotional needs. Giving my 'inner brat' what it wanted.
It got to the point where I scored a two point bag, unbeknowns to my partner, and the same day, my partner had scored a half gram earlier unbeknowns to me. So we decided to stop buying more after these bags. Of course, we got more after a couple days respite.
Mid July
During a trip to the city, we planned on being high and just walk around all night when we met another gakker whom we asked if she knew where we could procure a jib pipe. She could get us 20 if we wanted!
Well, we just wanted one, if that was ok. It was, and she returned with a big penis shaped one! ha ha, it was funny, all bulbous at the end, with a ridge around the end and a hole where the pee would come out. ha ha, talk about suckin on the glass dick. She put her stash in it and we gakked.
And we talked, and we ended up hanging in her apartment all night, helping her clean it up. She had a previous freak-out where she tornadoed her stuff out of frustration over her daughter's recent death. Heavy. I asked tentatively how old, and she replied 9.
How trajic.
She recited a poem about it, a very poignant one, and her voice returned to a scottish lilt that was unmistakable in its emotional surfacing.
We've visited her a week later, she was surprised to see us back, and was very glad. We were glad we met her too. She is like my 'city mouse' twin. I recognized her as soon as we met on the sidewalk that first night. She was the Green Goddess, for she was giving away pot to whoever wanted some. It was shake shwag, but hey, pot is pot. and giving is giving.
The last time I saw her was over a week ago, also the last time I gakked. I feel that my medicine path involves the underworld.
The Goddess of Heaven, heard her twin sister's cries from the underworld so she went to investigate... The myth describes her descent as an experience of shedding everything material and conditionned. A complete surrender to the experience, until there is only a woman, naked of all her previous heavenly splendour. Her subsequent treatment by her sister gets masochistic, she gets hung upsidedown and gets flogged until taken for dead. She eventually gets rescued by androgynous beings who trick the underworld sister into giving away the healing water and the key to the Goddesse's freedom.
Early August
So, here I sit, writing this last bit of description in my friend's bedroom, whom I am house sitting for.
We don't plan to gak for a while, prob when we visit 'city mouse' in about a week. Then after that it won't be a another long while until we gak again. I don't think we'll do such long binges anymore, but I can't say never, because I just can't. Things change, times change, circumstances change, but one thing I know fer sure, is that if/when I do spend more than 24 hrs on this stuff, I put in the budget of such tripping powdered protein drinks and Super Greens powdered drink stuff too. Soy milk and bananas. Sustenance makes all the difference.
That's it for now.
August 13
Another thing about heavy-drugs and their usage, is that there is so much stigma about doing speed, or heroin, or even drinking. So many preconceptions of addiction, fueled by repeated propaganded anti-gnostic falsities. Everyone has the right to experience first hand what they want to experience.
'Have you ever been experienced?'
So much judgement.
So much pressure to conform, and not stand out.
I can't stand it.
I refuse to force my will upon another, and I also refuse to let my will be impinged upon.
Exp Year: 2003ExpID: 35908 Gender: Not Specified Age at time of experience: Not Given Published: Apr 30, 2006Views: Not Supported [ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Methamphetamine (37) : Various (28), Relationships (44), Depression (15), Poetry (43), Families (41), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11) -->