DOSE:
repeated
smoked
Methamphetamine
(powder / crystals)
BODY WEIGHT:
185 lb
[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
Having done a great deal of spiritual 'inner work' over the last 5 or 6 years I had gotten to a very clear frame of consciousness. Day to day life had become very upbeat and positive. Yet being a self proclaimed control freak all my life, the spiritual concept of 'letting go' and 'surrendering' had been a very difficult concept to master. That is until I met a teacher called Tina (Crystal Meth.)
I had never taken any drug before in my life, the concept of being 'out of control' had scared me too much to permit such a thing. Yet I kept being led to situations where people were 'partying' with Crystal. Seeing I was being guided, I decided to maybe allow myself to experience this drug.
I met someone for sex. He had smoked some crystal and was having a great time, but I still was hesitant. We took a break and he lit up again. The urge overtook me and I gave in, I asked him to show me how. He lit it and explained how to inhale. I expected my body to protest like it does to cigarette smoke, but it didn't. I took a lung full, held it, then exhaled. WHOA!! I could feel my body getting lighter and relaxing. I took 4 more hits before I was so buzzing it was clear to both of us I had enough for now.
Any worries, emotional hang-ups or self doubts I had simply melted away. I felt clearer then clear. I was extremely present and feeling all my senses with a profundity that was unmatched by any experience I had ever had before in my life. Even my connection to spirit was sharper, no distortion.
The sex was out of this world. My senses were so heightened that I could feel everything that occurred, every sensation not only from my body, but from his body as well! Every thrust felt like pure heaven dripping in liquid gold! Spirit explained, 'This is what it is like to live in a body in your highest state of awareness. This is the true You, your essence.' I just basked in that awareness and sensation as waves of pleasure and love flooded over my entire body. Spirit added, '...and you won't need drugs to experience this.'
I had received my invitation. To reach a state of consciousness that is so clear, that this depth of sensation and emotion become my natural state of being.
We stopped again a while later, my body shuddering with pleasure. He offered me the pipe again and I took 4 more hits (for a total of 9). We continued to be sexual for a while longer until he came and it was clear he was ready for me to leave. I was more than satisfied.
I was concerned about driving but he (and spirit) assured me it was not a problem. The short drive home was amazing. I could see and notice things that I would not normally notice in my sober alert state. My depth of clarity and sharpness of sight was incredible.
Once home, I stepped into the shower for what would be the start of the real reason for this drug. To bring up old emotional issues and fears for effortless removal. What most people describe as the 'crash' is what I found to be a 'working' space. As issues presented themselves, I had the clarity to see that these things did not belong in my body/consciousness and could simply allow them to be effortlessly released from my body.
I now had a new benchmark. To feel this clear and free ALL THE TIME!
A fear would surface gently. Instead of pushing the fear away I felt confident enough to call the fear forward and literally ask the fear how it had served me (to have it in my life.) I could feel the fear then 'expose' why it had been drawn into my life. I could see how the fear had protected me from something as I was growing up and could clearly see how it was no longer necessary. I would thank the fear for it's service and allow it leave. In it's place I was left with the love that is actually hidden behind all fears. As I released more fears, I felt more love. Within hours I was so overwhelmed with love that I had to stop releasing fears. As I stopped doing it consciously and went to lay down, the process continued on it's own. It kept going and going. Fears melted away and more love flooded in. After 6 hours, I had dropped hundreds of life-long fears and was completely overwhelmed by love.
In a pinnacle moment I struggled with a fear of having 'too much love'. My heart and body felt like it were going to explode and the pressure seemed to keep building. I heard the words, 'surrender to love, surrender to love...' keep repeating. Because I could do nothing else, I let go. I surrendered completely.
The world around me disappeared and I saw at once, the world as God sees it. I could now see any aspect of life, past-present-future, from a spiritual perspective. I traveled back to parts of my life where some of my most intense struggles had been and saw the beauty of how those situations had molded me into a more kind and loving person. I saw that the struggles I experienced were not put there by God, they were of my own creation. I saw the infinite things that took place to assist me overcoming all the odds that I had drawn into my life. I saw how even the leaves on the trees cheered for me as I walked by them.
I could see how all things in the universe really were there for my good. I could feel how everything and everyone I interacted with were really all wanting my best and highest good. I could see quite clearly that the drama I felt I had been stuck in were all really an illusion to help me to experience things that I had chosen to experience. I could see that behind all things in the universe, was really the essence of pure unconditional love. The essence of God.
I stayed in this space for many hours, though it felt timeless. Anything I could think of, I was instantly shown from a spiritual perspective. Mysteries that I had had my entire life, were instantly revealed. 'Why did this happen?' 'What is the significance of that?' 'How are these things connected?'... all these questions drove my journey back and forth through my life. More and more of my life and the entire universe came into clarity. Seemingly unanswerable questions all of a sudden made perfect sense. The big picture was unfolding with immense clarity.
For the next two days I wobbled in and out of the most intense connection with God and knowingness that one could imagine, and spaces of deep reflection. I experienced a surrendering my body to the feeling of death. I experienced a profound space of seeing how even the seemingly darkest most evil things on the planet, were really all part of God's plan for unfoldment of an ultimate state of enlightenment on this planet.
I could see that all 'evil' was really only a misperception that we carry. That 'evil' is nothing more than a allusion that actually has it's ultimate roots in God and love. That some of the most 'evil' things on the planet will some day unfold to be the brightest sources of love that one can imagine.
With each new insight I could feel old hang-ups in me simply melt away. Just by seeing and understanding the true nature of a loving universe, I could not help but let go of anger, resentment, fears, sadness, and failure. Because I could see and feel that there was really no support for any of the issues I felt I had.
At the end of my third day I was utterly and completely exhausted but more full of love and joy then I had ever felt in my life. While I had done almost nothing but lay or sit around for 3 days, my body and mind felt completely trashed. I got the message that it was time to get grounded again. So I began eating and following my body's guidance to getting back in balance again.
The entire world looked completely new. I could not help but see and feel things from my new vantage point of awareness. I spent days 4-6 simply laying around marveling at the wonders of the world while slowly reintegrating myself into it. While I had only took those initial 9 hits, the entire process took my body about 10 days to regain a sense of 'normality.' The bulk of this was due to the intensity of the work I had done on letting go of my past.
In the weeks that followed I was continually dumbfounded by how much different I was. While the world looked the same as it had visually, it now felt completely different. Things that I used to react to, I now didn't. Things that used to annoy me and get me upset, simply made me smile. While my moods would occasionally wane, the intense growth and insight that I had stayed consistent. Where I used to struggle to gain intuitive information, it now simply 'fell out of me.' I would find myself interacting with my clients and telling them all kinds of things I just some how 'knew' about their body and how they could get themselves back into balance.
My intuitive abilities had opened up 100 fold. For the first time in my life, I lived in a space of gratitude and joy as my predominant emotions. My ability to surrender to the feelings of love and connectedness in intimate situations was bordering on overwhelming. Tears of love became a common experience in my life. Just taking a walk in the neighborhood and connecting with the trees and nature could take me into a space of natural bliss. After being completely sober for over 40 days and this still being my natural reality, I knew this was permanent. All those experiences that I could have written off as mental hallucinations, I could not ignore.
I also knew that I had not attained my ultimate space yet. There was still more to let go of. I had still more of my past to surrender and that Tina (Crystal Meth), my teacher, was not yet done teaching me about surrender.
Since this first experience I have had 6 others over a 4 month span of time. While each one is less profound then the previous, the space which is my 'normal' sober reality continues to get better and better. States of clarity that I had never thought possible are now my natural reality. Very little about the world now troubles or disturbs me. While I have surrendered a great deal of my attachment to the world, I am more connected then ever before, not only to spirit, but to everyone whom I contact. Instead of struggling with the world, I have learned to surrender to the harmony that is always present. Tina taught me that.
I have now begun using this teacher, Tina, to assist other 'control addicts' in learning to surrender to the flow of the universe. I have realized that Tina will teach me to surrender, that's her job. If you do it consciously, the rewards are amazing. As an Ethnogenic Explorer and Shaman I find Tina to be an indispensable healing tool.
Exp Year: 2005ExpID: 44550 Gender: Male Age at time of experience: Not Given Published: Oct 24, 2006Views: Not Supported [ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Methamphetamine (37) : Various (28), Sex Discussion (14), Retrospective / Summary (11) -->