I am writing this while deep into 30mg of Valium, trying to cope with the reality of long-term benzodiazepine use. After everything that has happened, there is validity to all the negative effects people warn about, but we have to remind ourselves that side effects exist for a reason. We signed up for this, even if we were led astray.
A doctor has kept me on benzos for six years and I have to accept that I would not be the functioning person I am today without them. That does not mean the abuse potential does not terrify me. I sometimes feel betrayed by the system because doctors were recklessly writing prescriptions, and many of us suffered because of their carelessness. But at the end of the day, we took that pill. We filled that script.
Do I want to lose my cognitive function by the age of 50? Obviously not. Do I want the rest of these long-term effects? Again, no. Detox sounds like an option, but withdrawal from six years of use is another world entirely. And after that long, who will I even be without them? The person I was before benzos barely exists anymore.
I am a seizure patient who has navigated the full chaos of the medical system. I have lost money, time, and entire periods of my life to pharmaceuticals prescribed to me by doctors with reckless methods. I decide what goes into my body -- it is a conscious choice -- but I have been put in an impossible position.
There are those who make it out and then there are those left with that little blue pill as their solace. At the age of 23 I hope to climb my way out of this. The dependency is real, the cognitive effects are noticeable, and the fear of withdrawal keeps so many of us locked in. But recognizing the problem is the first step.
I share this not to glamorize long-term benzo use but to give an honest account of what it looks like from the inside. It is comfortable and terrifying in equal measure.