[TW: I will be going into detail about my usage and recovery]
This is the first time I am being honest with myself. I need to write it somewhere.
I am very slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am a drug addict.
Four years ago I realized I had a problem with pain killers. I was in high school taking 4 to 6 hydrocodone a day while in school for close to 5 months. As much as an oxymoron it is, I was a very functional addict. I was the head of our theater tech crew my entire school career, I practically lived in our auditorium, and I was always able to perform and even excel in my tasks and running my crew while using.
I never felt the NEED to use. It was never a requirement for me. When I stopped, I never had any symptoms of withdrawl. I never told anyone about my use. I became clean, and stayed clean, all on my own.
It wasn't until recently that after a very difficult year, I found using on my mind. I kept it to myself for a few months. It was never anything extreme. Typically a very fleeting thought of 'god, anything to numb this would be fucking great.' About a week ago, I sat down and allowed myself to get inside my head, a feat that I normally would try to avoid with my extreme depression lately. I found that while my thoughts of using were always fleeting, they were more common than I initially realized.
I opened up to my SO and mother on seperate occasions, and talked to other addicts in recovery and program managers I associate with, (I work in a recovery center). All of them agreed, I couldn't stay sober alone anymore, and suggested I start to go to recovery meetings.
In my head, I thought to myself 'I'm not an addict. I was never truly addicted to any substance. Meetings won't help me.'
This conflict between my inner thoughts and outside support confused me. And very honestly, it still does to some degree. This confusion led me to look into resources for myself.
Despite the inner battle within myself and the extreme anxiety of doing something different, two days ago I went to my first ever Narcotics Anonymous meeting.
I was shaking like a leaf the entire time. I was quiet and kept to myself. I could not understand why I was there surrounded by people I felt like I couldn't possibly relate to.
The end of the meeting came, and they asked for any newcomers to approach the front and grab a chip. I mustered up the courage to stand and was welcomed with applause and a hug. I cannot put into words how uncomfortable I was.
They slowly went through the various time frames of sobriety, other individuals getting these marks of achievement.
Finally, they asked if anyone had multiple years of sobriety. It was silent, for what seemed like an eternity. I slowly raised my hand and stood up, and everyone around me seemed confused that a newcomer was standing. Before I walked up, the chair woman of the meeting asked how long I have been clean. I could barely speak at first, but finally just stated to the room, "Four Years".
My response was met after a second with the loudest applause and biggest smiles of the meeting. I grabbed that coveted black chip and received the biggest hug from a stranger I've ever received.
Even though I was riddled with anxiety, it was the first time I've ever felt my struggle being seen. It was the first time I've ever felt validated for the progress I didn't even know that I've made.
That simple black key chain is now one of my most prized possessions.
While I'm still unsure and coming to terms with how I want to approach my continued recovery, I felt the need to put my story out there somewhere.
Here's to staying clean, and here's to those who like me, are coming to terms with their recovery in whatever little or big way they can.