Substances used: 180mg MDMA in a pressed pill (oral), 250mg Ketamine shards (intranasal).
If you're into exploring the depths of your mind, a novice or experienced psychonaut, I recommend you read this through. You might find something relatable here, might learn something too.
Up until this point I've never had a bad Ketamine experience. Still haven't. But this one was not exclusively joyous too. I refuse to call it a bad experience because it wasn't really. Unexpected things happened for which I weren't prepared for. Caught me off guard a bit, but I pulled trough. I also believe this might be the endgame for a lot of explorers alike. Or at least one variant of it.
It's 1am. I'm alone. I want to have a nice relaxing mind exploring trip. Ketamine is my drug of choice for this. I decide to Kitty-flip. Unlike the first few times I kitty-flipped for the sake of having that experience, this time I do it solely to potentiate the effects of Ketamine.
I pop half a pill. I start feeling it 30 minutes after. 45 minutes in, I decide to pop a quarter more. Totaling to about 180mg of MDMA. The pill feels strong, and has a clean MDMA feel. I'm really enjoying myself at this point. I put on my headphones and start playing some of my favourite psytrance tunes.
Music plays a HUGE role. And when I say huge. I mean the biggest. Set and setting aside, in moments of pure psychedelia a simple song can narrate and tailor your experience.
I'm having a blast. It's 2:30am and I decide to introduce Ketamine to the mix. I take out my little glass vial containing 250mg of the substance. Eyeball just slightly above half of it, make two lines and do them. I lay in my bed, lights off, blanket and headphones on. It's exploring time. As expected, it doesn't take long for Ketamine to start working. 10 minutes after taking it, I start feeling the introductory effects. 15 minutes after taking it, I'm already in a pleasant K-hole. 130mg is not that small a starting dose for someone with extremely low tolerance for the stuff, and the beforehand MDMA can amplify that a TON.
My body feels relaxed. Numb. Noticing the K-hole is so easy. For me, it's always the colours. I would listen to music, eyes closed, and in that dark the first thing I would notice is the colour. From the usual Closed Eye Visuals you normally get in a dark room, it gets even darker. In a second a pitch black veil falls before my closed eyes, engulfing everything in darkness. As dark as it may seem, it's far from an unpleasant feeling. On the contrary, it's quite exiting. It's a definite indicator of the next step. Falling down.
As I descend I start seeing the show. Vivid projections made out of memories, music and your own creativity. This one was a bit different. First one with almost no memories involved. This hole was purely driven by my ecstasy fuelled mind and governed by music. I was traveling trough these different worlds, each with a story behind it, which in the moment you can't even comprehend to explain, but know in your heart is understandable and true.
At some point I open my eyes, takes me a few seconds to adjust, and I see 45 minutes have passed since I took the Ket. I dump the rest of the vial, make two more lines and do them.
Headphones on, blanket on, eyes closed. I go trough one 10 minute song, still not feeling the effects of the redose. Only this time, still fuelled by ecstasy, I didn't even think about changing the music to something more relaxing.
So 10 minutes go by since the redose, I look trough my playlist, waiting for the redose to do something at least. 5 minutes go by of me scrolling trough the playlist. And I start feeling it. I quickly decide on a song, play it and close my eyes.
So here I am. Falling again. Experiencing the moment. Seeing imagery, worlds and whatnot. This redose is great! Made the experience as intense, amusing and relaxing as before. I open my eyes. I see worlds. I can't tell if my eyes are open or closed anymore. I also feel a bit heavier. But hold on. I'm really enjoying this, but something feels just a bit off. This song is amazing and kind of dark. I really like it but it feels like forever has passed and it's still going on and on. No matter! Even though there must be a few minutes left till the end of the song, I'll just change it to something else.
I tried to move my hand and reach my phone, but it's near impossible. I tried moving my body a bit, but it's so heavy. like every part of my body had 100kg each. I could wiggle a bit I wanted to. But chose not to. I realize what's happening. I'm getting really deep into the hole. My body is almost paralyzed. Understandable. I knew about this. Didn't panic. I was surprised for a few seconds a redose did this for me for the first time ever. And thought about what a great opportunity to explore the depths even further.
And I knew I would go further. The usual clear way of my thoughts and mind got hazed and heavier a bit. Undetected and unnoticeable.
That song is still going on. Or is it a different song? Must have missed the transition point. But how could I have? The song just kept playing. What song was playing again? I can't remember. It doesn't even sound familiar. What song?
What is a song?
This melody is really making sense. There is no way this was made by a human being. All these little sounds and bleeps and bloops are making so much sense. What is happening? Where am I? This place is astonishing! I haven't visited this place before. This has a really weird space vibe to it. I'm enjoying this but something feels off..
Something is off. But what?
At this point for an unknown time I forgot I took any drugs.
This melody is never-ending. Now I see. This is my life. With it's ups and downs. What is this place? I'm in an enormous room. This feels liberating. The room is filled with unusual objects and artefacts I've never seen before. Wow what is that object colour, I've never seen that in my life!
The song is nearing it's last 2+ minutes and getting exponentially slower and more weird, also influencing my experience completely.
Wow I've been here an eternity! And I finally figured it out. This melody is my life. And it's never-ending.
Oh my god. The weird feeling stopped. I can think a little better now. OH MY GOD. This is it. I know it is. I finally get it now. How could I not see this before. I know where I am. I know what this massive room is!
It's the end of the line! This is the key to life! And death! This is the afterlife. This is where everyone's essence comes when we die! We are all the same! Whatever you do in your normal human life, this is what happens when you die! You become a particle in this vast room. I feel enlightened. I am enlightening. I am pure spirit. A tiny atom of existence in this vast cosmos. This is it. This is what we all become after we die.
I've been here forever. Why is the melody of life nearing it's end? Why is everything stopping? Oh my.. Oh my. Am I.. Am I dying? I can't feel my body. I can't feel it! Is my heart beating? Oh no. What have I done. I think I might be dying for real. The scenery is coming to a halt! I know after the melody of life stops my life will stop and I'll be one with the universe forever! This is it. It's ending. All coming to a halt. Forever.
I don't want to be enlightened.. I don't care about the afterlife. I miss my girlfriend. My family. My friends. I'd rather have all that than be in this state. Please. I want to leave..
Music stops. Scenery freezes. I become one with all.
So this is what it's like.. Forever and ever. I should have never take too much of this stuff.
Stuff! That's right! I'm on something! I just need to wait a bit and this will pass, I know it..!
And as soon as a had that thought, a few moments went by and the song changed. Breaking the eternity and I opened my eyes.
For someone that just escaped the eternal chains of the endgame, at the moment, I thought nothing of it. The first thought to enter my woke mind was: I really need to take a leak.
So I went. Clumsy like a drunk fool, but I got there. And I took that human leak. And it felt great.
I returned to bed and while still under the effects, listened to some Alan Watts. And it was great.
This about sums it up. Obviously I K-holed so hard I paralyzed myself. At the end I was fully guided by that song which was narrating my life at the moment. If I had listened to something more relaxing, as intense the experience was, it could have been a nicer one. But then again.. Maybe I wouldn't have become enlightened. And learnt a valuable lesson.
Enlightenment comes at a cost. You figure out the universe. But you lose everything valuable in your human life. Which felt as if it never even existed or meant anything. You become all, forever. And it does not matter. Because thoughts and wishes are for humans. But You.. I.. are everything. Simply existing. Nothing more. Nothing less.