It had been 11 months since my last trip. I had the urge to trip for a while. I was feeling a bit disconnected from myself, others, and the world – kind of listless – and thought some changes in perspective would help.
Mescaline is always my go-to psychedelic for solo tripping. I took 500+ mg last time, which was very intense. This mescaline feels a lot purer than a batch I've got from a different dark web vendor in the past. I feel it matches more closely the Erowid dosage recommendations.
I took less this time (just over 400 mg) since I didn't want the experience to be as intense as last time. However, it was actually more intense. Maybe because I was able to not throw up for a bit longer and keep more of the substance in my system. Maybe not getting enough sleep for two nights in a row contributed to it. My mindset at the time could have been why as well.
I drink the mescaline dissolved in juice in 5 gulps over a period of 40 minutes. After this, I was sitting still while feeling very nauseous, doing some deep breathing, trying not to throw up. I was listening to one of the playlists used in one of the psilocybin for depression studies, which I've found a great way to enter the experience.
The visuals were beginning.
As always with mescaline (for me), there comes a time when my body decides it's time to puke, whether I like it or not, so I rush to the bathroom and purge, feeling like I'm emptying everything.
As I reach the peak, I start crying out of nowhere. Real sobbing, which I haven't done in a very long time. I was letting out some pain that had clearly been pent up for a while. I wrote down that "I don't have to feel that way". The pain I let out was my mind constantly being negative, anxious, overthinking, self-shaming, hard on myself.
That release felt good. I felt grateful for it. When the crying stopped, I felt free, ecstatic – feeling pure ecstasy.
I then found myself slipping into a state of ego loss. I was watching my sense of self disappear, which was both scary and beautiful at the same time. I told myself to "go with it" and that this was ok to experience. I didn't feel human. I was just vibrating, orgasmic energy.
I had the sense of being everything – all the vibrating energy. I was everything and nothing at the same time. There is just everything and I'm nowhere – nowhere to be found.
The intensity was overwhelming. I felt like a helpless, vulnerable newborn as I was lying on my bed, being subject to the power and force of the experience.
With closed eyes, I was seeing some Native American and DMT-type patterns. There were images of birds and eagles.
I had this thought, which felt like an insight, that I need to be cheeky in my everyday life. There was a definite trickster kind of vibe. Why should I be cheeky? I thought it was a way to brighten up people's lives. I was then filled with feelings of empathy and love. I wanted to bring joy to others. I wanted to give love to all the people in my life.
I still lay on my bed during the peak. I was immobilised, twitching with pleasure and physical euphoria. With eyes open, I could see geometric patterns, like the structures of different dimensions. Geometry made out of light was falling on me.
There was a sacred energy to the experience, like being in contact with a distinct 'mescaline' spirit, a wise elder. I felt myself being healed.
This is where things got a bit crazy. I was on all fours on my bed. I was turning into different animals. I transformed into some feline creature, a serpent, then a scorpion. The experience had this 'scorpion energy', and I was seeing images of scorpions. I had this powerful sense of being predatory, animalistic, and primal – ready to attack prey. There was maybe even something lustful about it.
This was kind of overwhelming. I felt fear. At this point, it was borderline "I need a Valium to calm myself down" territory. But I didn't need to in the end, and I'm glad I didn't take one. I told myself to just "go with it", letting myself be a scorpion, accepting the disturbing visuals, and breathing deeply. All of which helped. This felt like a real test.
So I went with it. I then felt myself being healed again. At one moment, I could also feel the pain of the whole world.
I went through periods of physical and mental discomfort. I think sleep deprivation contributed to this, so I definitely won't be tripping in that state again if I can help it. The problem is I don't tend to sleep well, especially not in the run-up to a big trip. But this is something I need to work on. Being well rested before a trip makes such a big difference. Anyway, any discomfort I felt (tiredness, negativity, not wanting to trip anymore), I again told myself to just "go with it" – just lean into the tiredness. Then everything felt better and way more comfortable.
The visuals had this appearance of a "DMT guesthouse" being overlaid on top of normal reality, like there was some sort of inviting room above me. There was a definite clown/jester vibe and "springy" visuals. The colour pattern of the visuals seemed quite circus-like but made out of light. Mescaline visuals have always seemed to be more based on white light, like the light of the sun, compared to other psychedelics.
I walked around the house and stood outside in the garden for a bit. My garden overlooks a field and I could see trees in the distance. In the wind, they were moving and morphing with so much energy. They looked like green fractals on fire. I could make out faces in them as well. I stood there for a bit while still listening to the playlist I had created. Being amongst the trees and wind felt extremely good and refreshing.
I was listening to some of my favourite music, feeling euphoric. Then, once back in my room, I decided to put on Tool - Pushit (Live) from their Salival album. And holy shit. So many moments in that track jolted my body into an orgasmic state. When the track was over, I had to take my headphones off and recuperate.
The peak was still going strong. The elongation of time was crazy. The peak felt neverending.
I had some insights I felt were important. I could see that I had been obsessed with the idea of travelling lately as a way of wanting to escape negative feelings, boredom, and dissatisfaction.
I've also had a love/hate relationship with weed. For a long time, I've gone through a cycle of taking long breaks for months, feeling like I'm in a good place to smoke again, it being fun at the beginning, then falling into a less healthy pattern. Even though I'd commit to only smoking on the weekends, when the weekends would come, I'd just want to get high by myself instead of seeing people, and want to be as high (and for as long) as possible. Weed would then be worse for my mental health and social life, and when I recognise this I'd take a break. Repeat cycle.
I went into this mescaline experience thinking that I'd feel better after and then be able to enjoy weed again. But instead, I thought to myself during the experience that I shouldn't return to it, knowing what the end result would be. I realised I had cravings during these long breaks and that wasn't a good sign. Like, whenever I can smell weed when out walking, I immediately just want to get high. I concluded that I didn't need weed (which is true).
The experience was very intense for about 6 hours. After the peak, the visuals were still strong, with geometric patterns forming in the carpet, and faces appearing in the folds of fabrics or in wood grain. Time was still distorted.
Even while I was still tripping hard, I felt like I had survived some ordeal (the peak of the experience). After that, I felt I could handle anything. I was feeling cleansed, wiped clean, at ease.
Mescaline completely humbled me and I was grateful for the prospect of returning to sobriety. I didn't want to trip again for a very long time.
The rest of the trip and coming down was a bit less euphoric, and a bit more lethargic. I suppose I was feeling the sleep deprivation more. But my playlist still put me in a good place. I eventually felt the urge to go walking. But it was a very hot day, so I didn't make it to the park/woods I had in mind. I think it would've been better to have spent more time in nature, so in the future, I'll try not to trip on such a hot day.
Since the experience, I've experienced a definite afterglow. Music sounds a lot more enhanced. The world seems brighter and more colourful. The trees look very alive. I've found myself smiling more, experiencing bursts of joy, and feeling more connected to people.
But I'm feeling a tension between this happier and more peaceful self and my old self. I've found myself slipping back into rumination and social anxiety. I hope I can integrate this experience so that I can be more like the person I want to be, but I'm finding it challenging (my old self often returns after trips).
At the moment, I'm trying to focus more on meditation and being healthy. I'm planning to join a psychedelic integration group as well and hope that will offer some positive direction.