hi guys,
I don't usually do this kind of thing but I feel compelled to share that it's been exactly one year from today that I've been free of xanax. It was the most difficult experience i've ever had to deal with and I've battled heroin addiction at a young age yet I found this much harder...
I know how scary it is to think of a reality without benzos and the overwhelming fear of doing ANYTHING without it; the bouts of depression and anxiety when you realize that you've built a tolerance and physical dependence from taking it daily, then needing to take more just to minimize the rebound anxiety together with the constant questions of "how do you cope with generalized anxiety without it? social anxiety? how can I do ANYTHING without a benzo?" Eventually I was taking enough to knock me out until 12:00 pm the next day without hearing MULTIPLE alarm clocks.
A year ago today I suffered a nervous breakdown from abusing benzos and amphetamines in order to keep up with my fast paced and abusive job (which I eventually quit) and checked myself into an outpatient program to get off the benzos. Once I tapered off xanax, I thought I was losing my mind. Once I tapered off klonopin, forget about it... I couldn't drive. I couldn't leave my house. I was terrified of the world around me. I couldn't picture socializing or dealing with day-to-day life without a benzo.
I honestly could not IMAGINE living my life without xanax and/or klonopin. I can't even remember a life without it... yet today I'm free of all benzos for the first time since 2013 and I can honestly say I've never felt better. I can feel my emotions. I can be vulnerable if I want to. I can cry if I want to. My relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years and with my family has improved tremendously. I now have a new job and I feel more alert, focused and motivated to do well. I even went back to school to finish getting my bachelor's AND I have even gone out of my way to ask my coworkers how their weekends were (this is huge for me) I am no longer a prisoner to benzos.
I just wanted to share this because I remember wanting to get off benzos but was just so consumed with fear and anxiety because the thoughts of being without it was too great.
so for those of you who are attempting to taper off benzos or have been thinking about getting off of them, I just want you to know that these feelings are 100% normal. you are not alone and there is hope. if I can get off of them, so can you.