Today I am 7 days clean from amphetamines. I have also been taking wellbutrin for 7 days, as I've done well on it in the past and it is often prescribed off-label for recovering stim addicts. It seems to be helping with my energy levels, although it's definitely making me a lot more bitchy.
I feel okay today. I've been taking everything slow and have reduced my expectations for myself with regards to being productive. I just feel so slow and stupid. When I was using, I could crush out homework so quickly with no problem.
My biggest fear is that I'm always going to be slow and stupid without the drugs. I just started studying my masters in a STEM field after graduating from undergrad with distinction. I'm terrified that the good grades and scholarships and awards were only possible because I was using amphetamines. I'm scared that it was only the drugs making me smart.
I kicked benzo dependence several months ago, but I was never truly addicted to the benzos. I was dependent, but I never took them to get high or hide from my problems, only because I wanted to sleep after too much speed. Amphetamines are a whole different league because I actually love the high and, more importantly, what I am able to accomplish academically and productivity-wise when I'm using.
I'm really just banking on my energy levels and cognitive ability improving with time. Also, my desire for closer and more genuine relationships is a big motivator for me getting clean.
However, I admit I am proud for making it this far. I haven't been clean for this long in many months.