I've been clean from a meth snorting addiction since mid 2016. It was quite damaging financially, professionally, interpersonally, stretched over two very high years and took a few difficult attempts to stop. Since then I switched to vaping small amounts of weed with much less compulsion and dependence than amphetamines, usually going for months at a time without any drugs or alcohol at all.
In March I moved back in with my mom and dad because of a poor career decision after a work contract I was setting up in another state office was cancelled due to the pandemic. Things are moving slow in terms of new work and my mom generally kinda resents me being in her space again, I'm in my mid 30s and this is the third time I've rebounded to living with parents when my life goes ass up.
I'm scared, miserable and craving escape. Until I regain my independence I don't feel right trying to smoke my weed in secret, sneaking out or worrying about the smell. Meth was always so discreet and odorless, just a quick straw up the nose in my room and that's it happy times. So today I scored some edibles. And also a gram of shard.
What the fuck is wrong with me. It shows how strong the compulsion of addiction can be especially in tough times. Voluntarily dipping my toes back into a hard drug that was ultimately quite damaging because I can't use my usual drug of choice without suspicion and risking the respect of my parents whom I rely on for love and support.
I'm telling myself it's extenuating circumstances, it's just a little gram just this once, I'll be smarter this time. But I know in my heart it's a slippery slope, I'm STILL an addict and that's what needs addressing.
I just needed to get this out. Thank you for reading.