I'm (22f) not sure where else to share this experience, but gabapentin withdrawals seem to be so varied and I'd just like to put my experience with it out there and maybe seek some advice.
I started experimenting with gabapentin around 18, and soon came to love the experience. My libido was back, I could talk to strangers and I felt free. My love affair with the drug recreationally came to a head when I was submitted into an outpatient therapy program where I was prescribed Citalopram and 300mg of gabapentin 2x daily at 20. Because I had experience with the drug, I continued to request higher doses because I'd run out of my script quickly. I had severe anxiety, still do, and refused to take any benzos because of the horror stories and personal experiences I've had with them. Gabapentin is the only thing that seemed to quell my anxiety, and soon I came to understand how poor my quality of life was before the drug. Gabapentin gave me a normal sleep cycle, a healthy appetite, the ability to smile and enjoy going to work, and some motivation to do well in school. I realized I loved the drug recreationally because it seemingly cured my anxiety and freed me from the chains of worry and dread. My current dose is 1200mg 2x daily, and it still seems like it's not enough.
About three months ago, I ran out of my script. I couldn't sleep, and I felt like I was on a low dose of Adderall. I was manic, and I had never experienced mania before. Usually I was sluggish, lazy, and fatigued constantly before I was on it, and now it seemed as though I had some psychotic form of ADHD. I saw lights and shadows in the periphery of my vision, I clenched my jaw constantly, and had a mild headache all day. I was tired and wired at the same time. I eventually got my refill, and for the last three months I've consistently done more than prescribed (when I run out, my friend gives me what they don't take).
Today, I ran out. I went to work without it, got through the day without it, and when I went to my friend for their extra gabapentin, the withdrawals were even more severe. After being off of it for only 12 hours, I was basically coked out. My friend and I have been close for the last 12 years, and he was telling me "you're manic, you can't focus, and you're giving me anxiety."
I feel like a monster, I feel like an addict, and to those that say this drug doesn't cause withdrawals, doesn't cause physical addiction, it's categorically wrong.
I don't know what to do. My anxiety is so awful, and I no longer take the Citalopram for a myriad of reasons. Gabapentin is the only thing that seems to help me, but it's also driving me insane. I genuinely feel like a "junkie," as terrible as it sounds. I need it, but it's hurting me. I no longer understand the "baseline" I used to be at without it, because I don't relate to what life was before it. I was so miserable, but on the drug I feel safe in myself and my relation to the outside world, and that position is so deeply confusing.
What are your experiences with it? How do you feel about withdrawals and addiction to GABAergic drugs? What advice would you give to someone in this situation? Cheers if you read this all the way through.