Its now the day after the trip and I'm still unsure what happened. I ate 65G worth of Hollandia Truffles (12-14g Shrooms) and this is the story.
13:45 - Just finished eating all the truffles and drank it down with some tea.
2:00 - Shrooms already taking effect so I prepare myself by emptying my walk in closet as fast as possible (was getting hard to move already)
2:10 - I notice that sounds have changed and proceed to put on a song that I planned to listen to a long time ago.
2:15 - I start closing my eyes and seeing some light visuals with a great feeling of euphoria to which point I was happy knowing that this trip wasn't going to be horrible (Oh how wrong I was)
2:30 - I felt the need to have DEEP breaths in and out almost as if my body was craving it, releasing all the tension and bringing more oxygen to the brain to allow for maximum function. I then pressured the blood into my head and triggered the wavy modulated sounding effects.
2:35 - I entered my primal state, a Lion. I felt like a growing cub embarking on a great journey. I also chewed through my old headphones which while tripping didn't feel bad.
[Lost track of time here, wasn't looking at my phone or listening to music]
I continued with my primal animal-like behaviour squeezing the skin on my forehead very hard. Clawing and scratching into my skin at which point I did not feel like I was doing anything out of the ordinary.
This is where it starts to get crazy. I essentially convinced myself that I had created everything and that I was the universe. I heard the voices of my friends and thought about them, attempting to recall their names, and I somehow heard my voice in theirs. That made me think that I had created them and they were a figment of my imagination. Something I couldn't get my head around — continually asking how that's possible and stating that I'm not that clever, I'm not a God. At this point my Brain was having a tangible conversation with me. I for some reason heard French and Russian voices speaking gibberish in the background (I'm not related to either). I tried to convince my brain that I didn't create everything, grabbing the water pipes and saying "no it can't be I didn't make this", to which my brain replied "you taught yourself that you didn't make it". This made a lot more sense when tripping than it does now.
I had started to create my own world. I was somehow able to make the sounds of a city in my head. They were so vivid, I was able to make car noises in my head by breathing or shaking my head. I also heard little children laughing almost as if a frequency of sound bounced around. I heard a woman talking to me. The scariest part was the sounds of stairs and doors banging. I vividly made the sounds and illusions that the doors were getting booted down. THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP. This continued for hours, I remember thinking that it's my mum but then realized she's not ever real. I heard these noises surrounding me, sounds of someone trying to get into the apartment.
After more and more arguing with myself, my brain had completely convinced me that I was no longer alive and had thrown me into a spiral of cycles twisting and turning my psyche out of control. I had convinced myself that I was dead and that everything prior to this trip was not real. I had complete detachment from reality. I felt as if I was a big celestial being, floating through the universe alone.
I asked myself previously if certain career paths would bring me happiness, or if money would bring me happiness — to which my brain replied no to all options. I entered an ultimate state of nihilism, nothing had purpose.
I kept trying to recall what I was before this trip and I entered this cycle of thought where I continually denied the existence of my previous self and that it was all a preliminary for what I'm doing now. I felt all alone, I couldn't reason my way out of this. I felt as if I were the only thing in existence. I brought back extremely vivid memories from my childhood that I wouldn't be able to view no matter how hard I tried in a normal state.
I now near the peak enter the state of mind that everything is hopeless and that everything is just a cycle. I began to decode everything and realized that everything is a cycle. I entered auto pilot and had no control of my body. I thought I should go to the toilet at which point I looked at my legs and didn't understand them, I thought that I was literally not on earth and so I proceeded to pee there and then lying down. My brain was completely auto pilot, I had no control of my body.
Bearing all this in mind, I did not once panic or feel scared per se. I was just worried that everything is meaningless and that I had been living some kind of fake world.
Getting near the end of this trip is where things got even more messy. As I had come to the conclusion that I was 100% dead and that everything is just this automated cycle that isn't worth dealing with, I vividly started to imagine stabbing myself through the heart to end it, or other ways of killing myself. This may seem very extreme and almost stupid but it seemed that the next step was death as that had to be the next step.
At this point I think I blacked out and woke up. It was 6:30 and I woke up with so much confusion and discomfort. I didn't know what was going on or where I was. I looked out of the closet and I remembered that I was in my room. I quickly stood up and went to the bathroom, I could barely walk. Moving felt like a completely new skill that I had to learn. I sat down and took a dump, everything was still morphing and I was just trying to recalibrate my understanding of the world. I remember the first thing I said as I woke up was "that's not real, that's not to be touched, we shouldn't know that much. All I want to be is warm, all I want is to talk".
I wanted nothing more than to tell my friends how much I love them and how much they mean to me. It felt extremely surreal coming back to earth. I was shivering and completely shocked.
This trip taught me that there is nothing in life that will bring you happiness apart from relationships. We are all our own Gods and we dictate our reality. Life is meaningless and nothing you do while alive will hold any value when it's all said and done. We need to cherish those around us and talk to people. All we need to do is love each other. I wouldn't wish what I experienced onto anyone — I would say it's the purest form of agony a person can experience, pure torture. I think if it were not for my critical thinking abilities I may have come back a broken person.
Seclusion and isolation are not okay. Tell the truth, speak your mind and love one another. That's all there is to life.