DOSE:
2 cups
oral
Ayahuasca
(tea)
BODY WEIGHT:
55 kg
First Ceremony - Death of Illusions and Fear
Everything happens in the darkness. I feel pain in the body. The pain is paralyzing me. I see all the little things that are the illusions of my life. I see tiny clothes, little trousers, hairbrushes� everything is shrinking, all the little girly stuff that you can find in the store� hair, looks� the way I present myself, all the illusions my life� shrinking and disappearing in the darkness.
At the same time I feel threatened; I feel that something is trying to kill me. That there is some evil force trying to get me and I�m asking myself �why am I doing this? I trusted these people, but now I don�t know who they really are. Maybe there is some evil involved in the ceremony. I don�t know what I�m doing here�� I can recall the thoughts from before drinking � trust and to let go. This thought saves me. I tell myself: �just trust and let go�, not to fight. I see snakes in the darkness, penetrating my body, searching for something. It is very unpleasant.
I feel sick. My whole body is in pain. I feel pain in each little part of my body. How will I get out of this state? I think, maybe it is the place Buddhists talk about. Maybe I�m dying and what I see are the evil creatures trying to make me stuck in the place of illusions � some kind of hell or astral region. I�m trying to fight them, thinking I�m fighting for the right thing, for myself, for my soul. That was the thought that kept me in this place. I wanted to go to the light, that is what I expected will happen in the ceremony. I wanted to have a great spiritual experience, but all I see is the darkness, little flying objects, and I feel pain. I don�t know where to go, I can�t find any spirituality in me and I always thought I�m a spiritual person. I feel threatened. I see black birds with big eyes and nibs. They are waiting for me, for my body.
I�m so tired, laying down and feeling like I have a gun pointed to my head. I will be shot any second and I have no choice, I know that this is the last second of my life and I have no chance for living. I�m too tired to fight so I�m just laying curled up on the ground and accepting my inescapable death. I�m killed. I see the births tearing apart my body, in one second I died, I gave up everything, my life, fighting. I hear a voice: �finally you gave up, finally you gave up the fight�. So I�m dead. But somehow I exist. I don�t know what it is that is me, I don�t know what exists, but I am and I�m sure that it wasn�t that �me� who came to the ceremony. I don�t know what exists, but I am and I�m sure that it wasn�t that �me� who came to the ceremony.