I went from being clean, working, having 10k in savings, getting ready to move house and get a better job. One day I ran into someone who had cocaine. IV Coke almost killed me a million times but had been away from it for 3 years. I did one shot. 4 weeks later all 10k was emptied and spent on coke that went in my arm. I overdosed on coke several times. I was doing .7 gram shots trying to get the biggest rush without dying that I could, constantly increasing dosage until I was in convulsions unable to hear anything or see anything. My veins are all gone. I was hospitalized 4 times in the last month, I'm getting tests because they think I induced one, if not several, 'cardiac events'. I am 27 years old and went to the gym everyday prior to this. After I emptied my savings, I robbed the drug dealer for 2k worth of cocaine, and jumped off a roof while running away. I have a possibly herniated disc in my lumbar spine, waiting on xray results, and couldn't move for about 3 days after that. I find out next week what the state of my heart and spine is.
I am 9 days clean. I even jumped off 12mg of suboxone/day cold turkey. I have never been so down and low. I tried hanging myself on day 3 and 4. I couldn't get it to work and gave up. Can't even get that right.
I feel like I've had so many chances, but finally blown it. The physical damage to my body is making me want to give up hope. I had a shot at a healthy life without these problems and I feel like I've blown my shot at a decent life. I know I'm catastrophizing. It feels real though. I'm so mentally fucked up and just want to give up, go back out and finish the job. It feels like every other relapse I healed from, but that this one was just the worst one ever, and that I did permanent damage to myself that I will forever regret.
I dont know. I am going to get back on the wagon. But it's hard right now. I have to do it though. I have slept 6 hours in the past week from the sub withdrawal, been going NUTS. But I will stay clean one day at a time.
I guess I'm posting this hoping someone will say something encouraging. I feel so lost and alone right now. I burned everything in my life to the ground, and it feels like I gave up my health as well. I don't know what the future holds.