I had been sitting on a couple .1g pills for about a week now after deciding to try molly for the first time.
I'm fairly experienced with psychedelics mostly, but MDMA has not been on my radar because of medication I was on for awhile made it an obviously poor decision. Now, I've been off those meds for over 2 years, so I thought I might "pop a molly" as the kids say and add that to my list of life experiences. My dealer and I go way back, so I trust him when he says he tested the pills and also had a great time on one recently. I planned on picking up .1g, but my guy, knowing about my medication and desired to stay away from molly, suggested I do it with another person and offered to give me another .1g for free.
I'll take a good deal when I see one.
So last night, I popped it in half (he ended up giving me a .2g pill) after dinner, set up some Christmas lights, rolled up a few joints, and picked out some choice songs to listen to after an episode of south park.
I vibed so hard, even gave a few slaps on my bass when a song I knew came up. I felt a bit light and goofy and couldn't wipe the smile from my face.
Life filled my lungs, happiness my heart.
I thought about my family and how much they mean to me, how much they sacrifice for me, how much they hope for my happiness and success. I cried at the thought of my dog being able to tell me I'm a good owner and friend. I thought about my girlfriend and felt like I had the courage to tell her I love her for the first time. She means the world to me, and when I woke up the next morning, I knew I still wanted to tell her that I never want to let her go.
I was still flying today. I had heard of the MDMA hangover/post-roll depression, but I woke up knowing today was going to be a great day, and it was. I felt awesome. What's the big stink? Maybe I'm just different. Maybe I'm so different that I could even do the other half of the pill tonight and be fine. I don't have anything pressing to do, and if I drop around 5, I'll be set to even do some light work after I come down and it'll all be gucci.
Enter dinner. Enter molly popping. Enter trip prep.
I'm packing light-ish with just one hefty joint tonight, but I've got some daylight to work with, so I'll do the come up outside, walk around, and come inside to smoke and chill when it gets dark.
I was a little worried that I wouldn't feel anything after reading so much online about probably not being able to feel anything if you try to roll on the same dose two days in a row, but I figured since I didn't feel a hangover, maybe there's a little more roll to squeeze out. Maybe those who can't roll on consecutive days just have bad hangovers due to depleted serotonin, and my feeling good might mean I can still get a lot out of this pill I have left! Was that stupid?
It was too late to turn back now anyway
The come up was very nice, and maybe more intense than last night's roll. Although, I figure that might have been because I knew what to expect and was more in tune with myself and feelings because of that.
On my walk, the trees looked more present, the leaves on the ground were somehow a brighter brown with every bit of yellow shining through, the sunset flourished with reds and oranges and a tinge of purple. My university's campus was no longer a prison but a massive testament to the investment in people like me. I felt small and humbled, yet so significant.
I think it's just over an hour and a half after my drop when I start thinking of my family and decide to head home before it gets any darker.
Stan, Kyle, Kenny, and Cartman became my family for a bit again. I lit up my J and took it to the kitchen as I refilled my water bottle.
South Park is so funny and crude but also so thoughtful. I realize the gang all wear hats or a hood probably because they would look too similar to other characters otherwise, and you need main characters in animated shows to have defined, distinct looks.
My jaw is a little tense
I reach for my water bottle and woah the blue label is so vibrant. I can't believe my brain allows the perception of the world in this way. Everything seems so significant. I didn't get visuals like this yesterday; I'm blown away. I regain focus and take a big gulp of water. Hmm. Tastes kinda funny. Maybe it's just my incredibly dry, weedy mouth.
My eyes jitter a bit
I look back to south park, and it looks like it just fast-forwarded -- everything sounded normal, but everyone moved like twice as fast for a hot second. Wild.
Probably just my jittery eyes
I'm starting to get a little warm, so I sip some water and slip off my jacket and put gym shorts on. I end my goofing off and turn on some music and tune into my feelings. I'm able to reach the same highs as yesterday, thinking about my supportive mom, my resilient dad, my determined brother, and my sweet, adorable dog. My girlfriend, my love, was everything to me. The world was brighter with her on my mind. I'm so happy; I'm so content with life; I'm so hopeful for the future. I feel tears coming on. Happy tears :')
So happy my hands are even shaking
The music faded into the background as my thoughts took over. I am so blessed. I am so full of life. I want to share my happiness with the world, so they can be closer to peace as I am.
The tears fade into pure smiles; the music fades back into my plane of existence.
"The Feeling When You Walk Away" Perfect.
Let's roll a blunt. Rolling papers will disintegrate in my sweaty hands. Give the molly a minute to breathe then spark up when you feel the comedown on its way. It's hard to roll with shaky hands, but I'm a wizard. Little diddy got puffed just a couple times before I tapped out though. I was gone, maybe plateauing, but content.
I've been sitting for too long
I walk to the kitchen to refill my water again, I sit back down in my room then immediately stand back up to grab my guitar.
whoa that made me a little dizzy
I collect myself. I lazily plop out the main riff to Feel Good Inc. a couple times, fuck up the chords to the chorus, get lost in the music video I'm playing along to. It's fairly captivating. I'm starting to feel a little anxious though, maybe I want to put the guitar down, move from elbow-up at my desk to pants-off, feet-up in my bed, you know, reduce the number of things stimulating my body ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
I notice I keep having to unclench my jaw
I move all my chargers and speaker to the outlet near my bed, bring my water and my half-blunt in case I want to smoke more, and turn back to tasty jams. Old school. Sly Stone. Those punchy horns, organ stabs, that thumping, slapping bass, Sly's powerful vocals, conscious lyrics and of course, the tight, funky drumming. It all danced through my mind, it greeted my family, my love. My heart was so full again.
And my damn jaw is still clenched! I can't keep my eyes from flitting back and forth. My hands still aren't steady, and suddenly, neither is my heart. I know this feeling. I've passed out on shrooms before. I'm about to get really hot and sweaty and anxious and panicked and my ears will ring and my vision will tunnel and I will wake up about 5 seconds later with fully open eyes, looking at a blurred world. I am going to be scared. I am going to be okay.
I move my laptop off my bed, push my speaker further away, throw my phone to the ground. I reach for some water. My heart is racing at this point, my body damp with sweat. My will to persevere was strong, but an impending sense of doom was strong as well.
As I drink my water, it ramps up.
Everything ramps up
My brain is compressed, swirling down a drain to my heart
My heart is sinking into my stomach
My stomach is sliding out my asshole
My asshole is slipping into another dimension
My whole world was caving in, and the least molly could do was tunnel my vision and black me out, but no.
Every mistake I ever made was on my shoulders at once.
The tears my mom has cried at my actions, the shouting I have incited in my dad, the trouble I have gotten my brother into, the disappointments my girlfriend didn't deserve.
The failed tests, the failed relationships, the forgotten friends.
Letting myself down...
In probably 10 minutes of pure panic, fear, sadness, and pain, I felt like I suffered an eternity.
We all deserve to make up for our actions; we all want to forgive the people we love most. But you should never forget the tears cried over your name, the pain felt at the thought of your actions. While we deserve forgiveness, we don't deserve to forget our actions. They define who we were. MDMA will let you know. I rode so high on happy memories and crashed on the sad ones, so go out there and make some happy memories, people. Define who you are.
Have fun and safe times, friends. Prep well. Respect the chemicals, and they will treat you kindly.
"Change your mind, and change your relation to time."
"Good thoughts bring forth good fruit. Bullshit thoughts rot your meat. Think right, and you can fly. The kingdom of heaven is within. Free your mind, and your ass will follow."
Much love. I am still high.