Short version: might try MDMA, but I have OCD and I’m worried that MDMA will make me go crazy.
Hello lovely people!
I’m planning a trip in a few weeks to see my LDR and friends. We have been taking about all the fun things we’ll get up to and the mention of MDMA came up. Now, I’ve been thinking about it for a while, as my partner has offered it a few times, so I’ve been curious and looked up what it is and the effects and so on.
A bit about myself, I’m a natural worrier and always think about the worst outcome. I have OCD-like qualities since I was a teenager (obsessive thoughts of worst case scenarios and doing some kind of compulsion to prevent “bad” things from happening). I say OCD-like, because I haven’t been diagnosed by a medical professional, although I’m pretty sure I have the condition. One of these obsessions I’m afraid of “coming true” is that I’ll become schizophrenic or psychosis and start to hear voices and basically “lose my mind.” I guess my OCD gives me some form of control, whereas everything else in my life has been chaotic for most of my life. Basically, I’ve been shitting myself that if I take the MDMA it’ll produce those dreaded psychotic symptoms and I’ll go “mental” and that my life will be ruined. I’m making this sound really dystopian, but these thoughts are causing me anxiety.
I had experienced pseudo-hallucinations when I smoked weed recently (didn’t happen before), where I kept hearing this “alarm” sound that sounded like it would go louder and then lower in a looping succession. I freaked out while it was happening, as I knew it wasn’t real and that it was in my head but I thought a walk outside and a few beers would help calm me down. It did subside eventually, and then thinking back to that moment almost made it come “back” a few days afterwards but it hasn’t lasted since. I think I’m still the same person that I was before? Anyway, that experience made me think that I might have a latent mental illness that might come out earlier if I take any psychoactive substance. Also, if I do have OCD, which may be caused by depletion of serotonin, won’t MDMA make me have a terrible “comedown”? I know I can just say no to take any drugs but I just wanted to hear opinions from people that know about it better about it than me and perhaps give me more insight rather than avoiding things because of fear. Also, not gonna lie, but I’m worried that I’ll look like a loser if I don’t try it etc etc. I know I’m not, but the feels are real to me.
Oh yeah, I met and hung out with this girl, who said that MDMA “changed her life” (in a good way), but does that mean it changes you as a person? Sounds scary to me 😓
What do you guys think? (Sorry for the long post!)