DOSE: T+ 0:00 1 tablet oral MDMA T+ 0:55 1 tablet oral MDMA
BODY WEIGHT:
170 lb
I am a Freshman in college. I have done ecstasy 4 times before, all in a quiet setting with one other friend. To me, it is not a drug to go to if you just want to have fun. This is the precious drug you should do rarely to keep its magic, keep the experiences their own. I smoke weed pretty regularly so I know how such common experiences over time slowly mesh together, and being high on marijuana feels more and more normal feeling. Maybe a familiar second mind.
I have been wanting to do ecstasy again for awhile. I am losing myself, just for a few hours, I want to feel the power of thinking I know the answers to it all. I want to feel free with my words, since I normally have trouble explaining myself. I want to not be afraid of myself. I have so much stuff to deal with, I don't think it would be worth it to do with another person. I think I would actually scare them or hurt their feelings in some way. Anyone, no matter how close to me, I know if I were to be completely open to them, I would hurt their feelings right away. I just moved to San Francisco with 3 other roommates. I thought this trip home, and a night with my parents gone would be a perfect opportunity. After taking an afternoon nap, I wake up at 7 and decide that I definitely want to do E.
Now when I was doing it, I was trying to do the typical time interval reports that people write all the time. Briefly listing effects at the moment and then going back into it. Actually, it turned out to be quite different. You can see exactly how talkative and fast my mind was going at the time from the pills, and I am hoping by my raw writings, you yourself can actually be in the experience from my shoes. And there are some personal things mentioned in this. I NEED to emphasize that in order to truly understand someone else's experience, you need to know exactly what kind of mindframe they are in. What EXACTLY is going on in their life, what is PUZZLING them at the moment? Ecstasy is more than just saying 'I see pretty colors and feel alive'.
8:50 -- Took 1 red rolex pill�disappointed that I�m not feeling much after 55 minutes except for slight daze
9:45 -- Took 1 pill�waiting for the one moment of realization that I am coming up fast, but wasn�t a second ago
10:10 -- Started effects�it was smooth coming up, I assumed this was the peek of my experience and was little disappointed, but feeling good at the same time
Turn off TV, want to stretch, feeling calm, but not much, pet cat, hugging like another person, get something to drink, feeling it more, not thirsty for my half empty opened soda I started to reach for, get water instead, I usually don�t like water so much, amazed with rainbow in glass of water, get camera
Feeling it more, put on sweatshirt, want to socialize, text friend, want to be alone, ANXIOUS YET CALM, lay in couch zoning, feeling �SMOOTH�, motivated to do homework instead of watching tv, but distracted by good feelings and wanting to sit and think
Want something really bad, yet satisfied, I can give myself anything I want, I need to think to myself what can make this so much better. It is within myself to make this a really good experience, what do to what to do. I need to write I need to analyze but how but how
Warm head, heart rate calming down
I need to move, I need silence, I need to talk to someone, but I need to spend time by myself
I want to listen to music but it would be overwhelming
Drinking water amazing, taking artistic pictures of glass
Breathing deeply feeling good, big gulps water choking but amazing [I was so excited with how good the water felt, I tried to drink a lot in one fast gulp. Every time I did this, I would have to cough a little bit afterwards, but water made me feel alive and pure]
Need to write
Warm face softness
Fingers feel smooth, feels so good to type, I can type so fast with making few mistakes I just want to type and type and type ahhhhh
I don�t know if I want to talk to someone they might make me lose my train of thought but at the same time I want to connect with someone so bad I�m so confused yet I understand everything.
It feels so good to close my eyes and move my teeth. This would be perfect opportunity to do my analysis paper, I really want to do good in school, and I really want to work on my paper, and its about a band I feel passionate about so it should come easily I should do it yes yes yes.
Warm, I want to connect with people. Before taking the pills, I wanted to be by myself and analyze myself, I was afraid of how I would open up with people if I talked to them. But now I really want to talk to someone. I feel I can really make them feel good
Feels so good zoning off into space floating
Look into cat with confused face trying to think of what he is thinking
Holy shit holy shit I don�t know
I thought I was at my capacity 20 minutes ago and I was a little disappointed
Eyes just jerked
Feeling so good!
Floating
Breathing ahhh
3 word documents going right now
One freewrite, one documenting my experience, one working on my essay. The one to document my experience has turned into my freewrite. But then I really don�t want to talk about personal stuff to the world, so I guess I will switch writing documents right now haha
Colors getting brighter before my eyes, I feel so complete
I want to do write 3 things at once, I really want to do good in school, this is the beginning of my life! What am I doing procrastinating!
Ahh neck so warm! So warm! Feels so good. Illusion corner of my eye of glass turning colors and molding.
Feels good to grind my teeth a little. So soft yes.
My house is so nice! It is a castle! So many colors. The ceiling looks yellow. Such bright colors so beautiful! So much depth. I don�t know what to think.
Eyes jerking warmth I want to talk to my friend. He gets off at 11 I can�t wait. But I need to think by myself.
My brain my head feels like its jerking a little side my side it is so happy this is the best way to spend Saturday by myself. I don�t feel bad at all anymore that I didn�t see any friends. This is amazing. I shall talk to someone on the phone in a little bit when he gets off work, but they are not over at my house so I don�t have to worry about making them comfortable and I can get off the phone any time I want. Being at home I don�t have to worry about where I am and how I get home. I can just be happy. Taking break from writing, just staring off into space want to feel instead of think.
Trying to think of what to say about it. Only thing I can think of is �complete�. I don�t want to do anything else. I can�t think of anything that could make me any happier right now. Being with people, being anywhere, doing anything, just sitting here, I am feeling anything I could feel anywhere else. Words flow so easily. Usually I have to think of how to word myself best, I think so abstractly, but the abstract meets real life right now and I can just flow so fast. I can�t believe how fast I am typing. My teeth are grinding, every once in a while my eyes do crazy things and have a mind of their own. I think I am even higher than I was before!
Omg new peak! It is now 10:45 omgomgomgomgomgogmgmgogmgomgomg
I am soooo happy I don�t know I don�t know
I hate how I am such a valley girl but I don�t know how to best explain myself
Why do I have the valley girl style?
Wow I feel like analyzing myself right now
I don�t care if this is the same document anymore
I don�t care I don�t care
I just want to write I want to be free I live so abstractly in my mind I am so introverted why why why vibrations all over my body what the hell I don�t know what to think.
Rainbows on lights
My brain feels crazy
This is the most intense trip I have every had I do believe I do I do
It is the best doing it by myself
Before I had to worry about what other people thought of me and worrying about expressing myself without hurting their feelings. Wait I didn�t care at the time, but now I really know I don�t have to care about the after effects. I am soooo glad I did this . I was afraid of being stupid when I bought the pills but this is the best thing ever. Drugs are good every once in awhile. Why must people look down on them? If you are the right person, you should really do them every once in awhile to connect with yourself. I really changed my life after the first time doing ecstasy
Eye jerking
Face feels like water
Grinding teeth
Oh no Power from laptop when out I lost tack of time
Went to go get the power adapter but wanted to enjoy the experience without writing.
Teeth grinding more, feels so good to move. Lay on the floor, feel body movements, I want to enjoy the moment, not the fact that I want to write more. Eye jerks quite amazing. So much warmth in head. Hair feels so good against my cheek.
Better than sex.
I need to find a way to feel amazing but not need sex so much. Connect with myself and not other people. Concentrate on myself. I know I am self absorbed, I need to please other people, but don�t use sex as an instant way to please both. Get better at compliments, care more about other peoples lives. You care so much about your own life experience and what you need. What others think of you. What about other people? We�re all in this together
Head feels like its pulling itself inward hair follicles feel amazing
Realizing how crazy this must sound
I really really want my friend to call me when he gets off work I really hope I didn�t scare him
I could do anything right now. I want to work on my English essay. I really want to do my math homework I need to find a description on the internet to how to do this since I don�t have my book with me, I want to analyze this website for my English essay. I can do really good analysis right now. I want to talk to someone. Want to write about what I�m feeling. I want to do 10 things at once. I want to talk to someone. Want to write about what I�m feeling. I want to do 10 things at once.