DOSE: T+ 0:00 1 tablet oral MDMA T+ 1:00 0.5 tablets oral MDMA T+ 1:15 0.5 tablets oral MDMA
BODY WEIGHT:
160 lb
I am writing this report in July 2016, about eight years since I first took ecstasy in June 2008. Although many minor details have been lost to time, I have replayed this night countless times in my head over the years and the key moments have remained. Fortunately, I also kept a journal during that period of my life and have reviewed my notes in preparation of this report.
Most of this report is about my first time taking ecstasy, but I also try to provide some retrospective analysis at the end. Enjoy!
My background:
I grew up in a pretty normal middle-class household in suburban Southern California. Both of my parents did not drink, smoke, or do other drugs, and were overall very supportive of my interests. My main focus in life was doing well in school and I never got into any significant trouble. Fortunately, my close friends in high school were focused on school as well and did not tempt me to deviate from my studies.
There were a lot of opportunities to drink during my first few years of college, but I always declined because the smell of alcohol was very offensive to me. It wasn't until I was 21 that I decided to get drunk just to know what the experience was like. I soon realized that the feeling of being drunk can be quite nice once you get past the harshness of the alcohol. During the next six years I drank quite a bit (sometimes way too much) as people in the 20s often do, but the drinking was kept in check by my desire to do well in school. After finishing my undergrad degree at age 22, I immediately went into graduate school.
While in graduate school, a couple of my friends would often go to clubs and raves. I knew that they used drugs at these events, but overall I was very ignorant of the entire scene and did not press them for details. I just wasn't interested. The idea of going to clubs was unappealing because I disliked listening to very loud music, had a stereotypical negative view about trance music, and I felt awkward dancing. I also was brainwashed by society to think that all drugs were extremely dangerous and had no potential benefits.
Then something inside of me changed when I was 27. I don't know exactly how or why it happened, but I gradually became more curious about mind-altering substances. I found out about smoking salvia through watching YouTube videos and decided to purchase some 10x extract online. The fact that salvia was legal made it much easier for me to try it -- if my experience was terrible and I had to be hospitalized, I wouldn�t worry about getting in legal trouble. One evening, two friends (who I will refer to as 'N' and 'H') and I smoked the salvia and it was both a thrilling and terrifying experience (for a short while, I was completely unconscious and had scary hallucinations where my world was continuously dissolving before my eyes... but that is a story for another time). Despite my harrowing experience with salvia, I was still curious about other substances. I told N and H that I would be interested in joining them the next time they go to a rave and try ecstasy. Soon after, they let me know about a rave that would change my life.
The event:
On the day of the rave, N, H, and a few others met at my place around 5pm on a sunny June afternoon. They all were experienced ravers and wore decorative clothing, while I wore plain shorts, a tank top, light jacket, and running shoes. I naively inquired about many things, such as if shorts and running shoes be okay for a rave. At 6pm we got in our cars and drove toward LA. After 45 minutes of surprising smooth LA freeway traffic, we arrived at a hotel about four miles from the venue where one of N's friends had a room. We hung out at the hotel room for the next couple hours to pre-party. Both alcohol and cocaine were available, but I declined because I wanted my experience to be pure and I had never tried coke before (�one new drug at a time� I thought). The only items I consumed at the hotel room were granola bars I brought from home and a lot of water. The rave began at 7pm and I was very eager to get going. I started to get a little frustrated at how long it took us to leave the room, but I trusted that N knew what he was doing.
Around 9pm, N, H, and I left the hotel and drove closer to the venue to try to find street parking. The last mile near the venue was congested with cars, but after circling the area for a while we were fortunate to find a parking lot for $20. During the 15 minute walk to the entrance, the bass became louder and louder, and my excitement grew and grew. We were joined by many people wearing elaborate outfits, plain clothes, or hardly nothing at all -- I had never seen such an assortment of party-goers. It was a very festive atmosphere and I felt like we were headed toward something epic.
My optimism quickly turned to frustration when we arrived at the only entrance to the venue -- it was a complete clusterfuck. The event staff were channeling thousands of people, many of whom were high or drunk, toward the security checkpoint. There were no barricades to form an orderly line. Instead, we were packed like sardines in a massive 20-person-wide line that slowly inched forward. Although June nights are often very cool in Southern California, it was quite warm in the middle of the crowd. Some assholes occasionally would push their way through the crowd to the front and I was surprised that no one got punched. I am normally a very reasonable and nice person -- I have never been in a serious fight in my life -- but I was reaching my limit. It was a tragedy waiting to happen; if someone would have yelled 'bomb!' dozens could have been killed in a stampede. N saw my frustration and tried to calm me down.
It took us an hour to move the 200-300 feet to the security checkpoint. N held all the pills, so I wasn't worried about security. After a quick pat down, we were free of the crowd and the temperature dropped by 15 degrees. It was a relief to be able to move freely again and my mood slowly improved.
It was 11pm. Fortunately, the rave ended at 4am so we still had a lot of time to have fun. In order to get inside the venue, we had to hike up a steep flight of stairs, then walk through a long tunnel. As we made our way along this path, the music continued to grow louder. I saw lots of people who had been partying for a while. Many appeared sticky and were wearing minimal clothing. Everyone appeared to be enjoying themselves.
When we emerged from the tunnel, the interior of venue opened up before me and I was amazed. Absolutely amazed. It was an enormous football stadium and there were so many people and lights throughout the venue. Thousands of people were sitting and dancing in stadium seats, with thousands more on the field doing the same. Many thousands of colorful vibrating points of lights were visible throughout. On one end of the field, big bright lights were emanating from the stage. At the other end of the field, partygoers were enjoying large carnival rides that were decorated in thousands of light bulbs. I had never seen anything like this in my life. How did I go my entire life without knowing about events like this? How is an event like this even legal?
As we walked down the stairs and descended toward the field, I started feeling a bit anxious. This was really happening. I believed that N would not put me in a dangerous situation and he assured me that he tried a pill from the same batch in the past and was fine. At that time, I didn't know anything about pill purity, test kits, etc., but I knew N and trusted him. We stepped onto the field at 11:15pm and N handed me my first pill -- an Orange Buddha. I quickly swallowed the pill hoping that it would salvage the night, then N, H, and I started walking around the field to find friends. The cell phone networks were overloaded and it was almost impossible to call or text anyone, so we wandered around while waiting for the pills to do their magic. Our progress was slowed by the presence of numerous e-puddles, groups of people who sit down (often in the middle of high-traffic areas) to enjoy the rave. Many people in these e-puddles were enjoying light shows -- at the time, I didn�t understand why someone would want lights so close to their eyes.
Occasionally N and H would ask how I was doing. 30 minutes passed, 45 minutes, then one hour... I still felt normal. I had consumed the pill on a nearly empty stomach, so they had expected it to kick in by now. As we moved through the crowd I felt a mixture of anticipation and curiosity. I was like an anthropologist observing the customs of a strange civilization for the first time. There was a sense of separation from the crowd and I felt like an outsider catching a glimpse of a culture that was not mine. I was not familiar with trance music yet so I did not know any of the DJs or songs. Although I would later love that genre, I was still fairly indifferent to it at that time.
At 12:15am, the first pill still had not kicked in yet, so N gave me another half. Both N and H were already feeling the effects of ecstasy, but I was still lagging behind. Then suddenly, around 12:30am, it finally hit me. A gentle surge of energy flowed through my chest and I felt lighter. Something had changed. A gentle surge of energy flowed through my chest and I felt lighter. Something had changed.