DOSE:
T+ 0:00
130 mg
oral
MDMA
(capsule)
T+ 3:45
1 hit
smoked
Cannabis
T+ 5:15
half tablets
oral
Pharms - Alprazolam
T+ 6:15
half tablets
oral
Pharms - Alprazolam
BODY WEIGHT:
135 lb
Post-Break Up MDMA: Exactly What I Needed
Despite the fact that people on Reddit discouraged me from taking MDMA after my recent breakup, I trusted my instincts and did it anyway, and I'm so glad I did. For context, I have significant experience with other drugs, including psychedelics, but this was my first experience with MDMA. I took it in my dorm room with my roommate around (but not interacting with me). I remained in my bed for the majority of the ride. I am 18F, with treatment-resistant depression, generalized anxiety, ADHD, autism (level 1), ARFID, and motor tic disorder. I have no known major physical complications.
5:45 pm: I swallowed a gel capsule with approximately (I say approximately because my scale's smallest unit was 1mg) 130mg of MDMA, previously tested for purity. I then immediately went and took a shower.
6:02: I return from my shower. Nothing feels different, but my pupils are dilated significantly more than normal.
6:22: The effects come on very strong, I decide it�s time for music and eye mask. I make it through listening to Labyrinth (Taylor Swift), but as In the Kitchen (Renee Rap) starts to play, the intensity of the bodily sensations and nausea I�m feeling bring me to remove the music and take off my eye mask. During the music and eye mask, I had very interesting, colorless visuals. When I both opened or closed my eyes with the mask on, I could see first stars, then patterns and lines moving in some sort of room I was looking into. It faded somewhat to black after Labyrinth was over.
6:27: I use my breath to calm myself and work through the sensations I�m feeling. For a little while, I feel very overwhelmed and unpleasant. I curl up with my head into my blanket, which is very soothing. From here on out, the following notes are exactly as I typed them during the experience, minus a few corrections for spelling.
6:30� I�ve done a lot of amazing things in my adult life. Like I�ve gotten through so much, I�ve learned so many new things. Also I have the feeling I�m typing super super fast which is cool.
6:32� it�s ok for things not to follow the plan. A lot of times in life I plan things a certain way, but it�s ok for things to totally veer off that path. For example I thought I was going to marry [ex girlfriend], but it�s ok to not do that. Even ethnobotany� I want to do that so bad right now and I�ve been telling everyone that�s my plan but it�s ok if that doesn�t happen. I thought I was trans�turns out that�s a lie. It�s ok for things to change.
6:44� body is feeling a lot better now. I was really not feeling great for a while and it�s still not the most enjoyable feeling but it�s very bearable. The mental clarity I feel is nuts. Like I feel very in control of my mind in a way.
[Note: In between these two notes, there is a very large break. During this time, I felt as though very little time had passed, and I was shocked to look up and discover that nearly two hours had passed since I had last typed. I spent those hours mostly face down into a pillow or my blanket, not listening to any music, just contemplating my life. I looked at the world in a totally different way. I felt a complete absence of fear and pain, but also a total acceptance that life is difficult and will always be. I had a lot of thoughts about the world, purpose, and meaning. I found myself privy to the knowledge that the world exists in balance, but at the same time, is striving for good to overcome evil. I discovered that the world is in a continuous cycle, and that once it achieves perfection, and a total absence of evil, it will somehow end, and then restart the cycle. I believe this may be similar to Hindu beliefs about the cycle of the universe.]
8:32� this has been the most meaningful experience of my life. The three words I really want to remember are peace, balance, and respect. But now I�m feeling that a fourth one is important too: joy. The three words I really want to remember are peace, balance, and respect. But now I�m feeling that a fourth one is important too: joy.