Sorry if this is narcissistic but I just need to say it. I've been stuck in a rut for a while (10-20 years in some ways) and really depressed/numb with nothing really feeling colorful or exciting. I've been wrangling with doctors and take depakote for biopolar (II), but tonight I took some Molly and I can only describe it as waking me up. I actually cared about other people, about myself (wow). It made me realize that I can be a happy person who feels joy, like not everyone is out for themselves or to screw you over (like I usually don't trust women because of bad memories, sorry to admit). Everyone was so nice, and a few girls told me I was cute which was so nice of them. It felt good to be me and not some manic projection I was putting on. Like I didn't feel manic or hyper or racy/out of control. We'll see how I feel the next few days, but it doesn't seem like I'm going to peak or crash from doing it. It was just warm and gentle, leaving me not scared of other people or my own feelings. Everything was fine as it was, even if it wasn't (but it was lol).
It's going away now. I'm starting to feel some shame and guilt again about who I am as a person, and the old me is starting to reappear (I won't delete this though). But tonight was a window into a world I hadn't seen for a while, and it really has given me hope of living a more colorful life, and possibly learning it has to do with low serotonin? (I won't get too carried away with the self-diagnosis lol). IDK if it's a good idea for me to revisit the experience again being bipolar ("When you get the message, stop"), but I know now I can talk to my doctor about other options, keep fighting, don't accept an emotionally neutered lifestyle.
Love you guys/girls/all :-) Also would it be a good idea to admit I did Molly to my doctor if I follow up by saying the "science experiment" led me to realize my depression issues are serotonin-related?
Edit: I don't know who to thank, maybe Buddha and Alexander Shulgin? Or maybe everyone out there haha.