DOSE:
50 g
oral
Banisteriopsis caapi
(tea)
50 g
oral
Psychotria viridis
(tea)
Ayahuasca
BODY WEIGHT:
168 lb
Set:
I had done what I told myself was �ayahuasca� twice before, using Syrian Rue and Mimosa Hostilis. This would be the first time using the traditional recipe of Banisteriopsis Caapi and Psychotria Viridis. A note on the timing of this journey: Four days earlier I�d lost my brother-in-law, who�d been suffering from liver disease for almost a year while awaiting a transplant. I was with him when he passed, and this was weighing heavily on me going into the journey. On the one hand, I could be setting myself up for a hellish experience, but on the other hand, it could prove to be the perfect timing to release the trauma of that event. As usual, it proved to be a �both and� situation�.
Preparation:
100 grams of banisteriopsis caapi (yellow vine) was shredded and combined with 100 grams fresh psychotria viridis, and 2 tablespoons of white vinegar. Just enough distilled water was added to cover the plant material, and cooked over low flame (just below boiling) for 3 hours. Then the mixture was poured off through a t-shirt into a second steel pot, and fresh water and vinegar was again added to the plant material for second wash, for another 3 hours. The process was then repeated a third time, leaving me in the end with about 800 milliliters of Ayahuasca. This was then reduced down over the course of two hours to 650 milliliters. This was then split into two separate doses at 325 milliliters each. The entire process from start to finish took about 15 hours. Throughout the entirety of the brewing and reducing process, I smudged the kitchen and medicine with white sage, and repeatedly whispered my intentions to the plant spirit: �to let go of my fear, my pain, my anxiety, and my anger.�
Setting:
I prepared my room by lighting candles, propping up pillows on the bed, and having a lined garbage can handy for the purge. I also packed a bowl of cannabis, and kept a candle burning in the nearby bathroom. Before drinking, I performed a Kundalini yoga set for �the coordination of mind, body and soul�. I then again smudged the room with white sage, all the while chanting the shabad mantra for protection: Aad Guray Nameh.
Administration:
I sat cross-legged on the bed, and whispered my intention one last time into the glass of Ayahuasca. In retrospect, 325 ml was a lot, and I probably should have reduced it further. It took me about twenty minutes to finish drinking it down, in small gulps. The taste was intensely bitter, in a rank coffee kind of way. Upon finishing the glass I set it down and began meditating on my breath. I could feel the liquid sloshing anxiously around in my gut, but continue to focus on the breath, knowing I needed to keep it down for at least twenty minutes if I wanted the full effect. A playlist of soft music filled the room.
Onset:
I can�t delineate when my situation transitioned from �waiting� to �arrival�. Suddenly thoughts were disjointed. I was waiting for something�.what was happening next, or before?....what song was playing?....who�s asking?....my vision was suddenly blurry, and when I turned my head it took some time for my eyes to catch up with the rest of my head. Confusion. Then nausea�
The Purge:
I never made the decision to vomit, I was just vomiting. I pulled the garbage pail between my legs and let it go, a deep, ragged retching, that despite its intensity only managed to bring up what seemed like a small amount of liquid. Suddenly my bowels clenched, and I watched myself fly from the bed to the bathroom, garbage pail still in hand. Now I was projectile releasing from both ends simultaneously. My head filled with the noise of my own retching and shitting. This terrible sound was suddenly familiar: I had heard it just four days earlier, made by my brother-in-law as he lay dying. An unspeakable realization dawned on me. I was not only myself here and now in the bathroom being sick, I was simultaneously my brother-in-law, dying in the hospital. What had always seemed to be two events separated in time and space and within two different people, now revealed itself to be one singular event happening to the same consciousness. There is no way to convey this kind of dread, this fear. I continued purging from both ends, and in between each heave would ask out loud if I was really my brother-in-law, and if this were really happening�.Then I was shown flashbacks of every terrible thing I�d ever done, everyone I�d ever wronged I was shown flashbacks of every terrible thing I�d ever done, everyone I�d ever wronged