I Needed to Make a Change

DOSE: T+ 0:00 3.5 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis (ground / crushed) T+ 0:00 repeated vaporized Nicotine
T+ 1:30 5 g oral Kratom (tea) T+ 1:30
oral Vitamins / Supplements
T+ 4:00 2 hits smoked Cannabis

       BODY WEIGHT:
   145 lb
     

Uncut Penis Envy Shroom Therapy

Background Information:

To set the scene, I am mildly experienced with psychedelics and had done street mushrooms a few times before with both good and bad experiences. The first time I did them, I was 16 and took 8 grams of shrooms, which was too intense and landed me in the hospital after the shrooms didn�t wear off and I had to go home to my parents (who noticed I was acting strange to say the least). That experience included a lot of hallucinations including trees shapeshifting in the forest, tables melting at Tim Hortons, myself acting like an animal and talking like I was possessed.

I did shrooms again a few weeks after that with a slightly smaller dose and had a much better experience, except my friend wigged out that time and became an animal on the street, and someone called the police. When I talked to the cops, the police didn�t have any faces, just skin where their faces should be, but I acted normal and they let me go home.

I smoked a lot of weed growing up, did some LSD, and a lot of MDMA at raves and parties. I loved MDMA and weed but magic mushrooms always left a bit of a sour taste in my mouth due to the uncontrolled nature of the experiences. I could never really enjoy the trip and was adamant that magic mushrooms weren�t useful psychologically.

After weed became legal, dosages grew stronger and I think I may have smoked too much for too long because at 21, I had a psychotic break that lasted many years. I thought I was on a mission for Jesus to save people from the coming apocalypse. I had just graduated my psychology program at university and this unfortunately derailed my dreams of opening a psychedelic therapy center, which was what I previously decided I wanted to do with my life. On the surface level, this was a standard Christian conversion and I made a lot of friends in the church that validated all my feelings and experiences. I remain a Christian, but at 28 years old I started to explore other spiritual paths as well including magical practices and Eastern meditation.

When that �break� happened, I stopped doing drugs completely for a while. I felt like I could feel evil spirits around me constantly, controlling the time, controlling the people around me, giving me night terrors, and I felt like I was in a constant battle with the devil. I got very interested in conspiracies such as �Illuminati� and when COVID hit, I moved out of my parents house because I was convinced they were going to turn into robots or aliens. Looking back, this was probably undiagnosed schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder as I fit all DSM criteria for those disorders. I also was told that I had bipolar disorder by a psychologist, but I rejected that idea and thought my therapist was a quack.

Around 7 years later, things started to lean out and I was feeling somewhat like my old self, started smoking weed again, and was very interested in learning about spirituality. I began researching and practicing astral meditations and learning about magic (i.e., candle meditations, mirrors, crystal ball meditations, tarot cards, etc.). I feel like psychologically, I was at my highest point. I felt extremely grounded and was making plans for the future, making new friends, and I was able to connect with people romantically again which was something I hadn�t done in many years.

I also got back together with my ex-girlfriend who enjoyed harder drugs which I never liked, such as meth, crack and cocaine. I had done cocaine a few times but never understood the joy in that drug like others did. Cocaine just made me feel very agitated, like I drank a lot of coffee, and I would speed-talk uncontrollably. We did some of those drugs while we were together and this also became my introduction to kratom, which I usually made into tea. At some point, I went to a friend�s house and we ate a mushroom chocolate bar after I had not done mushrooms for many years, and it was a very mild experience; nothing like I was used to. I just felt very happy and high and I think it increased my libido.

At the end of that relationship, my life started to spiral. A family member had passed, I was very poor and on the verge of homelessness, and hardly had any friends left. I wasn�t eating right or meditating anymore, and I started to feel spiritually dead inside. I mostly just worked, played video games, watched porn and drank alcohol. I would spend time on forums discussing the idea of committing suicide and though I refused to go to a doctor to discuss these ideas out of fear of being institutionalized, I believe I had clinical depression. I had read too much about the lasting negative effects of SSRIs and antipsychotics to seek medical treatment as a viable option.

Soon after, I experienced a housefire after an electrical box in my apartment exploded and I had to move multiple times in only a few months. The depression became very serious. I had been focusing solely on my office job and nothing else, but was afraid that I might do something to hurt myself soon, which is something I never imagined could happen to me.

After work one day, I was in Downtown Toronto and something came over me that I needed to make a change, and I wanted to try having a spiritual experience on mushrooms. I went to a dispensary and bought 7g of Uncut Penis Envy mushrooms. I also went to a few other stores, bought some shamanistic clothes, a few pre-rolled joints and some kratom.

BEFORE THE EXPERIENCE:

I put a lot of forethought into how I was going to tackle this because I had no babysitter. My worst fear was breaking my laptop while on it so I set some ground rules about using the computer. I put my phone on airplane mode and promised myself I wouldn�t leave the apartment. I was on an empty stomach but decided to eat a peanut butter sandwich.

I made a plan that I would clean my apartment on the come-up, take a bath, and then meditate for hours while on the shrooms.

T= 0:00

I took a little less than half the 7g bag and ground up the mushrooms in a magic bullet style blender, and ate the shrooms and then washed it down with water as a toss-and-wash. I immediately started racing around cleaning the apartment because I wanted it to be clean for the experience. I did the dishes and listened to music, and smoked my vape.

T= 0:30

I started to feel sort of euphoric playing with the bubbles, drying the dishes and putting them away almost like I was dancing. I smoked my vape and would blow it into the light above me and just watch the clouds, and I could tell I was feeling good, but nothing too crazy. I went to run the bath and decided if I didn�t experience a noticeable come-up in an hour, I would up the dose to a full 3.5g.

T= 1:00

The apartment was fully clean, I was feeling good and decided I would grind up some more shrooms and do another toss-and-wash. Immediately after doing this, I remembered I should probably go to the bathroom because I didn�t want to use the toilet while I was tripping hard, so I went and did that.

While I was using the bathroom, I was looking down at the floor and that�s when it really hit me. All of the paint on the tiles started moving around and I was getting very nice visual hallucinations. The music in the background sounded absolutely amazing. I was feeling great.

I lit some incense and candles and everything I was doing felt like it was in perfect time with the music. When I shut the light, the room looked like a royal bath.

The water felt so good on my skin as I was using the soap. I was smoking my vape, listening to the music and just enjoying the warmth of it all. It all felt very sensual and I felt sort of horny.

When I was done in the bath, I started using the towel and this towel is not by any means a soft towel. It�s kind of rough. But when I used it on shrooms, it felt like the softest silk blanket wrapped around my waist and I couldn�t believe it. It felt very fluffy. I decided before I put on my clothes I would lie in bed and try and watch some internet porn, which started mildly enjoyable. However, it quickly became too intense. It felt like the room was pounding and I stopped, feeling a bit dejected that I wasn�t able to have an orgasm on the shrooms.

T = 1:30

I started to fall into a moral spiral that became a bit worrying. I was unraveling some things in my mind about carnal pleasures and how I may have an addiction to porn that�s unhealthy. I looked in the mirror and felt like I looked amazing, which is not usual for me. My self-esteem started to lift a lot during this trip and I started talking to myself in the mirror. I got dressed.

I kept talking to myself and the talk felt like it was coming from someone else completely, and the speech was very eloquent and not like anything I�d spoken before. I really felt like this was my higher self talking to myself and explaining life. I suddenly started talking in a British accent and I could not turn it off. I suddenly started talking in a British accent and I could not turn it off.