The Barrier Had Lifted

DOSE: T+ 0:00 75 mg oral MDMA (powder / crystals) T+ 2:45
smoked Cannabis
T+ 6:15 0.5 tablets oral Pharms - Lorazepam

       BODY WEIGHT:
   214 lb
     

For some context, I am a 23-year-old female living in the USA. I was always an awkward, cringey kid and never fully grew out of it, but my upbringing was well within acceptable parameters. I was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 8, and from around 13 onward I experienced moderate to severe depression until very recently. A few months after I graduated from university, I faced a significant personal tragedy, and less than a year later, I was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) (unrelated to the personal tragedy, obviously).

Before MDMA I had tried alcohol, marijuana, Adderall & Vyvanse (prescribed), caffeine, and psilocybin. I strongly dislike alcohol and caffeine makes me feel like I have a cold so I currently abstain from both. I smoke marijuana a few times a week and find that it greatly enhances my mood, alleviates my anxiety, and helps me think through problems from new angles. I took Adderall daily with no break for many years but now find the effects to be too intense. I am now prescribed Vyvanse for my ADHD which I take rarely due to difficulty relaxing during the day and insomnia at night. Since MDMA is a stimulant and I have a long track record of disliking stimulants I thought there was a chance I wouldn't enjoy it, but this was not the case.

My first "real" experience with drugs happened at the beginning of this year, 2024 with a series of psilocybin trips that I had planned for months beforehand. I read as much about the substance, preparation, and expected effects as I possibly could. I had also read lots of promising studies about the effects of psilocybin on improving depression symptoms, and long story short, it was very successful. I have come out of the experience with more energy and self-compassion, as well as a slew of new habits such as exercise, meditation, and eating healthy. But, that's all a story for another report. Basically, I was very impressed with what psilocybin had managed to do for me, and I found myself curious to see what other substances could help me with my problems.

My interest in MDMA began about a month ago when I read that it had been used in clinical trials to help ease social anxiety in people with Autism Spectrum Disorder. This is a problem that has affected me strongly my whole life. I find it very difficult to let my guard down around others, and it usually takes me years to even start considering someone my "friend" (For example, on one occasion I asked someone I knew if we could be friends -- to my surprise he became very offended, saying, 'I thought we were friends this whole time!' I had known him for two years at that point!). I have also learned that as an autistic person I have "masked," a.k.a. hid my autistic traits from others, 24/7 for as long as I can remember. Apparently this is terrible for your mental health and can cause a whole host of mental health issues, but unmasking is much easier said than done, especially when it's become second nature. I've ended up with a painfully small circle of trusted people which consists of only my girlfriend and my mother, as well as a string of acquaintances I don't know how to act around.

One of these acquaintances is someone I wanted to "befriend" as we had a lot in common and he seemed like a safe person, but I sensed an invisible barrier preventing me from getting any closer to him and I couldn't figure out why it was there. Lucky for me, he is one of the few people I know who shares my interest in drugs, and when I told him about my plan to take MDMA he told me he happened to have a single ecstasy capsule lying around that he got for free along with a few tabs of acid that had since gone bad. He gave the capsule to me with no strings attached and said that if I liked the effects we could try it together at a later date. The MDMA was in the form of a clear capsule with white powder in it. I purchased a three-in-one test kit online and it turned out to be 100% pure MDMA.

Another reason I decided to take MDMA was that it amplifies your ability to analyze yourself. I had broken up with my girlfriend of 5 years just days before the experience, and my feelings about the decision were constantly changing. I couldn't decide if I'd made the right decision or not, let alone why I even did it in the first place. All I knew was that something felt very wrong, I had a vague idea of what it was, and I felt I needed to leave immediately. My friend and I decided, with his consent, that he would trip-sit me and listen to my musings on my ex-relationship. I didn't do much to prepare for the MDMA experience in the days leading up to it, aside from reading up on the potential side effects. I admittedly was very much looking forward to the "euphoric" effect it has, as I was in a less-than-stellar mental state due to the breakup. Many people suggested taking supplements like ALA, magnesium, and 5-HTP, but I decided not to buy any. They were expensive, I'm skeptical of the usefulness of supplements in general, and I was pretty sure the dose I had was small enough not to cause any major issues.

The day of the roll I started fasting at 11:30 AM and hadn't eaten anything since. When I arrived at my friend's place I set up a milligram scale I had bought and weighed the contents of the capsule, which came out to about 75mg. In retrospect, I probably lost a little powder in the testing process. I was disappointed that the dose was less than 100g, which was a more "standard" dose from what I'd read, and considering my above-average weight and size I thought it would have little to no effect. Thankfully, I ended up being wrong. I knew I couldn't get the powder back into the capsule so I scraped it off the scale into my water bottle, swirled it around a little, and drank it. There was still some left on the scale which I ended up licking off in an act of brazen desperation. It had a very strong chemical taste that's hard to describe, but it wasn't as bad as I'd read online. We sat on the couch, put on some music, and waited for it to kick in, if at all.

I took the dose at around 5:45 PM. I didn't start feeling anything until 20 minutes later at 6:05 when I felt a subtle shift in my state of consciousness. I felt my heart rate rise noticeably, but not enough to concern me. My face also felt a little flushed. I felt antsy, like I wanted to move around, so I used the bathroom and we went out for a walk at a popular lakeside spot that he lived close by. I noticed I had become very chatty, and once we had left the building I started talking about the contents of my childhood diary, and how a lot of what I wrote was surprisingly cruel. We talked about how kids can be assholes for no reason, and I concluded that the more sharp-edged side of me helped me filter out potentially harmful people, so it wasn't a totally bad quality to have.

By the time we got to the lake at around 6:15 the world around me started to feel very different. It was an unseasonally warm, sunny Friday, and the lake was packed with people. Everyone seemed like they were having a great time and were happy to be there. I usually feel stressed out in crowds, but they didn't bother me at all this time. Everything I saw had a "shining" quality to it I usually feel stressed out in crowds, but they didn't bother me at all this time. Everything I saw had a "shining" quality to it